CHUCKLE STUFF AND HOBNOBZ!!!!!

☆•¨¯`•* Roses are blue, violets are red, my head's gone all squiffy, so I'm off to bed!!!!! Nite all z z z!! ¨¯`•.¸¸.♥•.¸¸.☆

God made me an atheist, who are you to question his wisdom!! lol ;)))

இ†★ இI have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubble gum! இ†★ இ

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "NO! You sick bastard, It's going in the living room!" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Roses are red, some are yellow. I've seen a few that are orange. Most have thorns. Some don't. I'm still working on this poem.

●•♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥●• ... My furbabies have got more balls than most humans ●•♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥●• ...



Just bought some extra strong mints. Can't get them out of the packet.


(✿◠⏝♥) In was in an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came
over and asked, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Oh, go on then, just one song then bugger off' (✿◠⏝♥)

Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold ...

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too...


Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, i didn't mean only zeros.


(✿◠⏝♥) Only Smart people Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly. Like if you get it!" (✿◠⏝♥)

*¨ღ*•❈¸.•*´★The Grinch: The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - and on such short notice. Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?*¨ღ*•❈¸.•*´★

(©¿©)Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mum? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Head Teacher!" (©¿©)

(✿◠‿◠)In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied by many other means!.(✿◠‿◠)

*¨ღ*•❈¸.•*´★Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes you have to *slap* them in the face just to get their attention! ~ SCROOGED!! *¨ღ*•❈¸.•*´★

¨★¨*☆•*¨`*•☆It's *beginning to* cost a lot like *Christmas* everywhere I *go!☆•*¨`*•☆


Those with an attitude that life owes them more than they owe life, are going to find living it very problematic.

R.E.A.L - Remember Everybody Aint Loyal..

Honesty is better than sugar coated BS.

★★The truth shall set you free! But it's likely to piss someone off in the process.★★

★★When people say life is short. What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer? ★★

I'm a weird girl. But I'd rather be weird than boring. It just means I'm more unique than you normal people.

✯•*´¯`°✯★Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution. If you dont have any problems, you dont get any seeds.✯•*´¯`°✯★

☛"The idea of having to conform to someone else’s ideal is unacceptable. I’m gonna be me. And if I can’t be me, then I’d rather not do it!" Lenny Kravitz ☚

✯•*´¯`°✯★You're never too old to learn something stupid ✯•*´¯`°✯★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A 62 year old man was celebrating

With his wife, on the town

They'd had 40 years of married life

With barely a raised word or frown
A fairy appeared and offered the man a wish

Disloyally he said "I'd like a wife 30 years younger than me"
In a flash, he was 92 years old

Fairies are female and stick together, you see!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(✿◠‿◠)Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you've got the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.(✿◠‿◠)

(©¿©)I'm making a list of all the things that I ought to do before I die. I'm calling it my 'oughtobiography' (©¿©)


(©¿©)At the beginning of her shift, a nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. 'Big breaths,' she instructed. Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient (©¿©)

(✦‿✦)Things that go 'bump' in the night
Should not really give one a fright.
It's the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear,
That, and the absence of light! (✦‿✦)

(✦‿✦) I saw a little elephant standing in my garden,
I said 'You don't belong in here', he said 'I beg you pardon?',
I said 'This place is England, what are you doing here?',
He said 'Ah, then I must be lost' and then 'Oh dear, oh dear'.

'I should be back in Africa, on Serengeti's Plain',
'Pray, where is the nearest station where I can catch a train?'.
He caught the bus to Finchley and then to Mincing lane,
And over the Embankment, where he got lost, again.

The police they put him in a cell, but it was far too small,
So they tied him to a lampost and he slept against the wall.
But as the policemen lay sleeping by the twinkling light of dawn,
The lampost and the wall were there, but the elephant was gone!

So if you see an elephant, in a Jumbo Jet,
You can be sure that Africa's the place he's trying to get! (✦‿✦)

(©¿©) I was at the post office today when I saw a blond woman shouting into an envelope. I asked What are you doing?" She replied "Sending a voice mail" (©¿©)

(©¿©) Paddy goes on a First Aid course and the instructor asks "What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?" to this Paddy replied "climb through the window!!!" (©¿©)

(©¿©) The BBC have cancelled Bob the Builder, apparently they don't trust anyone who can "fix it" (©¿©)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Paddy and Murphy walking across a field, Murphy says "Look at that forest over there". Paddy says "I can't see anything, the trees are in the way"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) Guy goes to the barbers and says "I want my hair cut so that it's all different lengths, sticking up everywhere, with a bald patch round the back". Barber says "I don't think I can do that sir" "Why not? You did the last time I was here!"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) BISEXUAL??? That's just being greedy!! (Linda LaHughes)٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠)A flasher was about to board a plane. As the pretty flight attendant collected the boarding passes, he suddenly opened his raincoat and exposed himself to her. Without batting an eyelid, she said "I'm so sorry sir, but you have to show your ticket here and not your stub" ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

♪♪♫In number 18 there lives a big
butch queen,
he's bigger than Tyson and he's twice
as mean,
in 666 there lives a Mr. Miller
he's our local vicar and a serial killer ~ Neighbourhood ♪♪♫

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Mick and Paddy were doing a crossword. Murphy asks "How do u spell paint?" Paddy replies "I all depends which colour"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)"Ad. in my local newspaper read ‘Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather’. Shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and not once has she come round to see if I’m all right. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!"٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The Email of the species is more deadly than the mail!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The Grinch: That's what it's all about right? That's what it's always been about! Gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! Do you know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me...in your garbage. Do you see what I'm saying here? IN YOUR GARBAGE! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump! And the avarice...[points to mayor] The avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs!" "I want diamonds!" "I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored, and send it away to make glue!" Look, I don't wanna make waves here, but this WHOLE Christmas season is STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! There is however, one teeny, tiny, Christmas tradition that I find quite meaningful [snatches mistletoe from ring case] Mistletoe. [Turns around and shouts] SO PUCKER UP AND KISS IT, WHOVILLE! ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

★ ♫ .¸★*I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise…
He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash…
~ Bobby “Boris” Pickett ★ ♫ .¸★*


(✿◠_◠)KIDS TALK: "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9) (✿◠_◠)

(✿◠_◠) I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself "How can anyone stoop so low?"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button! (✿◠‿◠)

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐That awkward moment when someone shares your link, and theirs gets 25 LIKES and urs has NONE┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled "LSD"?Granny replies, "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)There was a little druggie, sat in a buggie, smoking a a pipe of weed, along came a spider and sat down beside her and sold her some acid and speed (✿◠‿◠)

(★◠‿◠)Don't complain of being stung by the thorn of the rose. Nobody wants to hear about your little prick!! (★◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Man goes to the Doctors with an hearing problem. Dr. says "Can you describe the symptoms" - "Yeh sure, Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!" (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)My mate asked if I could help make a ballerina outfit for his daughter, I didn't know where to start but I put tu and tu together! (✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Hi my name is David Cameron but you can call me Margaret ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Prejudiced people are all alike!!!٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) Guy goes to the barbers and says "I want my hair cut so that it's all different lengths, sticking up everywhere, with a bald patch round the back". Barber says "I don't think I can do that sir" "Why not? You did the last time I was here!"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠)A flasher was about to board a plane. As the pretty flight attendant collected the boarding passes, he suddenly opened his raincoat and exposed himself to her. Without batting an eyelid, she said "I'm so sorry sir, but you have to show your ticket here and not your stub" ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The Email of the species is more deadly than the mail!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



(✿◠‿◠)There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away!!

٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶Paddy and Murphy walking across a field, Murphy says "Look at that forest over there". Paddy says "I can't see anything, the trees are in the way"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ..... oooo, look at that pretty little kitten over there!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Man and wife are making a new password for their computer. Man types "mypenis", wife falls on the floor laughing when the computer says "ERROR - TOO SHORT" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)"I like big butts and I can not lie." - Said the homeless guy sifting through an ashtray.(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Old enough to know better and young enough not to give a rats arse!! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on her marriage and the Queen said "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(★◠‿◠)Spider spider on the wall, have u got no sense at all, didn't you know the walls were plastered, now you're stuck you stupid ba***rd!!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

(❀◠‿◠) A Wise Man once said: "Go ask a woman!!! (❀◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠My grans knitting club was shut down by police today!!!!! Apparently the old dears were caught sharing needles !!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❀◠‿◠) A little bloke walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. The little man said "I just did that" So the biker thumped him!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ AMAZING FACT: You can't kill yourself by holding your breath (Don't try this at home Facebookers! lol

(❀◠‿◠) A man writing in his diary: "I'm an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I've always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison (❀◠‿◠)



(✿◠‿◠) How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear what they said?

٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the f*ck alone!!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✯◠‿◠)Woman reports husband missing to Police. "He's 35, 6'2", blond, athletic build, 185 lbs, soft-spoken, and good with children" Her neighbour protested "He's 5'2", chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and hates kids" "I know", said the wife "but who wants him back"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) When God (?) created men, she was only joking!!!! ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠) Dave said "My wife's on a diet, all she eats is coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she's brilliant at climbing trees!!! ٩(-̮ ̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠)Donald duck was on a dirty weekend when he called reception and asked for condoms. Receptionist said "Shall I put them on your bill?" "Don't be thucking thupid I'd thuffocate"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) It's strange how people look at you funny when you run down the street naked with a knife in your hand!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

☠☠ (♥◠‿◠)I'm putting another pin in my voodoo doll...if you didn't feel anything you're safe!(♥◠‿◠) ☠☠

☽ ☼ ☀☽Once the MOON winks at you tonight☽ I wish SWEET DREAMS embrace you tight ☼ Hope your day was quite all right ☀And now I bid you a fond GOOD NIGHT ☽ ☼ ☀☽

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Saw this guy today with a t-shirt that said "WHAT WOMEN WANT" ..... sadly, it wasn't , he was being a tad optimistic ~ epic FAIL!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff c*cks and no f***ing idea why! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) After fleeing from the wicked witch of the east, talking to a tin man, a lion, and a scarecrow, Dorothy decided it was high time she checked herself into rehab!! (✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) If the ocean were vodka and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's not vodka, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and lets get p*ssed up!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠)By the power vested in me, I pronounce you deleted and blocked ... you may now kiss MY ASS!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ My mum's boyfriend hates it when I shorten his name to 'Dick'. Mainly 'cos his name is Matthew.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)Plumber: "Ok, so where's the drip?" ~ Harry's wife: "He's in the bathroom trying to fix the leak" (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) "Girls shouldn't play with mens balls, their hands are too small" (Senator W. on Basketball) ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠) Two cows are lying in a field. One of them says to the other, So what do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing? The other says "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though ... wooden tit??? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)U know ur getting old when all the tunes on Classic Gold Fm seem so fresh and up to date! (✿◠‿◠)

(♥◠‿◠) One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain ...... but it WAS a long time ago .... and it WAS just that ONE day !!(♥◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) A cat, after being scolded, goes about its business. A dog slinks off into a corner and pretends to be doing a serious self-reappraisal. (❀◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) Studies show that if you say "studies show" before saying anything .... people buy it ! (❀◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) Why do we turn the music down in our car when looking for a street sign? So we can see it better?? dohhhh (❀◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) Sometimes it’s to your advantage for people to think you’re crazy ~ so why spoil the illusion (❀◠‿◠)

. (❉◠‿◠) If Facebook ever shuts down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, and poking each other ~ just another Friday night in Bradford I suppose!!!(❉◠‿◠)

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐Im not trying to impress you or anything but I can ride my bike with NO STABLILISERS and NO HANDS !!┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I was going through airport customs and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently "What do you need?" wasnt the right answer ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(★◠‿◠)Just to clarify matters "Yes I WAS dropped on my head as a baby" (★◠‿◠)　


Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence!

Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that's worth mentioning?

(✿◠‿◠) Was going to apply for a job as a trainee juggler, but I didn't have the balls (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A young medical student, brandishing a syringe, approached a patient's bed - "Nothing to worry about." Said the student. "Just a little prick with a needle." -"I know you are, but what are you going to do with it?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) Proud Father: "my new baby looks just like me!" ~ Nurse: "Oh well, never mind, as long as he's healthy" (✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one & it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public & start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Japanese scientists have created a camera with such speed that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) Woman goes to bed clutching a duck. As she pulls the blanket over her head she says "This is the pig I'm sleeping with tonight" Her husband looks at her and says "That's not a pig, it's a duck". She replies "I think you'll find I WAS talking to the duck!"(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down t'mill, and pay t'mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah ~~ Monty Python(✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Two blondes in a car park were trying in vain to unlock the door of their Mercedes soft top with a coat hanger. When the girl with the hanger paused for breath, her friend said "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❉◠‿◠) My neighbour just asked if they can have a skip outside my house ..... I said "you can do cartwheels round the f'kin block for all I care" !! (❉◠‿◠)

(✦◠‿✦) And on the 8th day God said "Let there be Facebook so that socially challenged people can have friends too (✦◠‿✦)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A man with an alligator went into a bar and asked the barman "Do u serve lawyers here?" "Yes" he said. "Good, I'll have a beer and my 'gator will have a lawyer!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is to ... just open the door and push him out fgs⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If you're looking for an anagram of elbow, see below
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

DOGS WELCOME INSIDE, PLEASE LEAVE YOUR KIDS IN THE CAR!!


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A mate of mine told me he's been sleeping with twins, I said "How can u tell the difference?" He said "No problem, her brothers' got a moustache"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) I wish I was a caterpillar,
Life would be a farce,
I'd climb up all the little trees,
And slide down on my a*se.(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Mary had a little lamb,
She thought him very silly,
She threw him up into the air,
And caught him by his
Willy was a sheepdog lying in the grass
Down came a bumblebee and stang him on the
Ask no questions, tell no lies
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flies are a problem, wasps are worse
That is the end of my silly little verse.(✿◠‿◠)

(❉◠‿◠)As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... (❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I've been unable to get the letters A E I O and U out of my head. I think I've got Irritable Vowel Syndrome ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The fire alarm went off while I was shopping in B&Q today.Nobody thought it was real, so I ran around with a hammer shouting "Everybody out, this is not a drill." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Man who walk sideways thru airport turnstyles sideways is going to Bangkok ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



Paddy and Murphy are racing up the hill , Paddy says " If i get there 1st i'm going to write my name at the top " Murphy says " And if i get there 1st i'm going to rub it out !!!! "

(✿◠‿◠)I keep having this dream that I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts? (✿◠‿◠)

(★◠‿◠)Just to clarify matters "Yes I WAS dropped on my head as a baby" (★◠‿◠)

(✿◠v◠)One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain ...... but it WAS a long time ago .... and it WAS just that ONE day !!(✿◠v◠)


(✿◠v◠)A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, "Yeh sure, in a minute.” NB: this is a JOKE, and bears no relevance to my beliefs, or lack of!! ... just saying (✿◠v◠)


(©¿©)I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the Gateau. (©¿©)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Bob told me his wife rang him screaming "You've given me crabs you b*stard, how could you?" He said "Hang on there a minute, before you blame me, have a word with that sister of yours!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Had a MAJOR embarrassing mix-up at the supermarket today. Apparently, when the checkout woman said "strip down facing me" she was referring to my debit card. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


★*´¯`*★ It's not the size of your wand that matters, but the M*A*G*I*C* in the stick that counts *´¯`*★*´¯`*★


(✦◠‿✦)ABRACADABRA!!! ~~~~ Nope, ur still stupid!! (✦◠‿✦)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Did u hear abt the bloke who bought a bottle of liquid Viagra? He drank Tippex by mistake and woke up with an enormous correction!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

"I'm a Ninja!" - "No, you're not." - "Did you see me do that?" - "Do what?" - "Exactly."

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠QUESTION? If Cinderallas shoe was a perfect fit, how come it fell of? Just asking .... ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..

You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.!


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

(❀◠‿◠) Dear God "My prayer for 2013 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year! (❀◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." (also told my Ronnie Barker)(✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) Bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time I open a door someone tells me to f*** off.۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Roses are blue. My name is not Dave. This poem makes no sense. I'm a Microwave ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(◠O◠)(◠O◠)Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?? (◠O◠)(◠O◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠SMILE like a monkey with a new banana!!!! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


(★◠‿◠)My mate was panicking when he swallowed an abacus - I said "Don't worry - it's what's inside that counts".(★◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Anyway ...... I heard someone knocking, so I went to open the door in my pyjamas - I know, it's a funny place for a door!!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Woman walks into the bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for the contraceptive pill, saying they help her sleep. "why would they help u sleep any better than normal?" asked the doc, puzzled. "Cos I put them in my grandaughters coffee" she sniggered!! (✿◠‿◠)


(◣‿◢)A man goes into a Waterstones bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man said, "That's the one! I'll take a copy."(◣‿◢)

(✿◠‿◠) It's strange how people look at you funny when you run down the street naked with a knife in your hand!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I fail to comprehend how u can continue to function with an IQ three degrees below dog sh*t !!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"It really annoys me when people get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up. I think there idiots" ~ Yours sincerely, O.C.D. Grammar Freak⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(©¿©) "I don't understand why people feel the need to take hard drugs. I mean, haven't they ever heard of Monopoly?" ~ Insp. Fowler (Rowan Atkinson) ~ Thin Blue Line (©¿©)



(❀◠‿◠)‎'...Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." When Welfare was introduced, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China...' (❀◠‿◠)



(✖‿✖ ) Definition of a human being: "An intelligent creature (allegedly) that cuts trees down, makes paper out of them and then writes "Save Trees" on the paper! (✖‿✖ )

(❉◠‿◠) Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny!!!!(❉◠‿◠)



(♥◠‿◠) No outfit is complete without a few cat hairs!! (♥◠‿◠)



┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐Don't put words in my mouth, that's where I put my feet ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐


\(©¿©)/ Cameron looked at Clegg, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a £1,000 out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Clegg shrugged and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 65 million people VERY happy."!! \(©¿©)/


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Bob said "The other day, I was cleaning the attic out with the wife .... filthy, dirty and covered in cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠




(©¿©)If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesnt come back, it was never yours to begin with . But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesnt appear to realise that you had set it free ... you either married it or gave birth to it!!! (©¿©)

The doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said no. We laughed.



¯\(©¿©)/¯ Husband and wife in front of TV.........husband keeps on switching channels with the remote: golf/porn, golf/porn, golf/porn. Eventually the wife had enough: "could you perhaps just leave it on the porn channel? You already know how to play golf"!!!¯\(©¿©)/¯

¯\(©¿©)/¯"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" ~ 5th Amendment: understood by NOBODY on Facebook ¯\(©¿©)/¯



(❀◠‿◠)My mother laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!! (❀◠‿◠)



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Bob told me his wife rang him screaming "You've given me crabs you b*stard, how could you?" He said "Hang on there a minute, before you blame me, have a f*cking word with your sister!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(❉◠‿◠)I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm pretty sure people are following me.(❉◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠When I asked you for a flower, you gave me a garden ...... When I asked you for a stone, you gave me a statue ..... What are you...... DEAF? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✦◠‿✦) Dont ya just love the lines that men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' ~ What am I, a microwave? (✦◠‿✦)

(❉◠‿◠) My neighbour just asked if they can have a skip outside my house ..... I said "you can do cartwheels round the f'kin block for all I care" !! (❉◠‿◠)


(❉◠‿◠) Did u blow Bubbles when u were younger??????? .... yeh? .. well he's back in town and he wants your number! LMFAO *naughty snigger* (❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A salesman rings a doorbell and 10 year old little Johnny opens the door holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠




(✦‿✦) Murphy texts his wife and says "Mary, I'm having one more pint then I'll be home, but, if I'm not home in 20min, just read this text again!" (✦‿✦)


(©¿©) spectacles testicles wallet and watch(©¿©)



*.¸.*☆★ *´¯`*☀ "There's no place like Miami, there's no place like Miami" she said clicking her heels together 3 times ~~ Well it worked for Dorothy didnt it? lol ★ *´¯`*☀



(❀◠‿◠) Why did the woman cross the road?? More to the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen? (❀◠‿◠)



(✖‿✖ ) If you're offended by one of my status updates, please message me and I will completely change who I am and what I think is funny, just to please YOU!! (✖‿✖ )



(©¿©)There's a lot of stupid people in the world. I say we take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself!!(©¿©)



(©¿©)After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex bill woke up finding a really ugly woman next to him. Thats when he realised he had made it home safely (©¿©)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Sir, may I use your Dictaphone?" Her boss says, "No, use your finger just like everybody else ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Lady says to her doctor "My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it? Doc says "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

¯\(©¿©)/¯ Husband and wife in front of TV.........husband keeps on switching channels with the remote: golf/porn, golf/porn, golf/porn. Eventually the wife had enough: "could you perhaps just leave it on the porn channel? You already know how to play golf"!!!¯\(©¿©)/¯



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'm convinced there is no ideal family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep hidden ..... if you think your family doesn't have one ... then chances are it's YOU!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


MENTALLY DISTURBED and proud of it!!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


(✖‿✖ )"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." " Great stuff, cos I never could before!" ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

(✦‿✦)I see stupid people. Walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they wanna see. They don't even know that they're stupid. (✦‿✦)


A man had to go to the Dr. because, every time he had an orgasm, he started crying and throwing a temper-tantrum. He was diagnosed with Immature Ejaculation.

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠2 old ladies decided 2 have their portraits taken. One was nearly deaf. The photographer asked them 2 take a seat. The deaf 1 asked "What did he say" & the other told her he wanted them 2 sit down. Then the photographer asked them 2 sit closer so that he could focus the camera, and the deaf 1 asked "what did he say" and the other told her that he was going 2 focus and the deaf 1 asked "what, both of us???" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(☀◠‿◠) "If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies!!!"(☀◠‿◠)


(✦◠‿✦) Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add
the age you will be this year, The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world (✦◠‿✦)

☆•¨¯`• Seven days without laughter makes one weak! *.¸.*☆


(✿◠‿◠)I would do anything for love but I wont do THAT!! ~~ *kinky* teeheehee **wink* (✿◠‿◠)٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(★◠‿◠)Just to clarify matters "Yes I WAS dropped on my head as a baby"

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Whats the difference between a woman with PMS & a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (★◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ GET A LIFE NOW!! Was £24.99, reduced to £19.99: Available at selected Argos stores, while stocks last!! (only one life per customer) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(☀◠‿◠)There was a young girl from Madras,
who had the most beautiful ass,
but not as you'd think,
firm, round and pink,
it was grey,
had long ears
and ate grass! (☀◠‿◠)

(☀◠‿◠) Two boys talking on their first day at school "My Daddy's an accountant, what does ur daddy do?" "My daddy's a lawyer" said one. "Honest?" said the other boy "No, just the regular kind"


(✿◠‿◠) I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you ... apparently the more you have the longer you live.(✿◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) Did you know? Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian!!(❀◠‿◠)

I'm hoping to find a cure for hiccups. But i'm not holding my breath

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The only horoscope you'll ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

He called me ugly, I called him an ambulance ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(©¿©)Blonde goes to the doctors "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm" ~ Doc asks "What are you taking for it?" ~ She says "pepper" (©¿©)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to you ALL eventually ~ please form an orderly queue! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

｡◕‿◕｡Face it, honey. Prince Charming aint coming ~ He's living with Mr. Right. ｡◕‿◕｡

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I SEE STUPID PEOPLE!! ¯\(©؟©)/¯

(✦◠‿✦) And on the 8th day God said "Let there be Facebook so that socially challenged people can have friends too (✦◠‿✦)

Yo mamma is so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest they said "sorry, no professionals"(©؟©)


(☀◠‿◠) When I was young I used to pray for a bike, but then I realised God didnt work that way ... so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness!! (☀◠‿◠)
؟©)/¯Chinese Proverb: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky ALLLLL day! ¯\(©؟©)/¯


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠She`s so Fake! If you look behind her neck , I bet it says "Made in China". ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❀◠‿◠) I have a hidden talents >>>> Damn, I can't remember where I put them (❀◠‿◠)
~
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I have mood poisoning, must have been something I hate. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Did you hear about the new Viagra you can now get as a nasal spray? It's for dickheads ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) Everybody says I got to get a grip, But I let sanity give me the slip (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Jim said "My wife sent me shopping today. She told me to go and buy something that'll make her look sexy, so I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of beer" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

★❉•¨¯` •*.¸.* I really was BORN THIS WAY!! ❉•¨¯` •*.¸.*★ 　
I know a Chav whose name is Jim, I like 2 throw tomatoes at him, tomatoes are soft & they dont hurt the skin, but these f*ckers do, cos they come in a tin

Face it, honey. Prince Charming aint coming ~ He's living with Mr. Right. ｡◕‿◕｡
(✖‿✖ ) Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head!!

(☀◠‿◠) ♫If you're happy and you know it see a Shrink ♫ •

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I fear the words "I have a cunning plan" are rapidly marching towards this conversation with ill-deserved confidence". Edmund Blackadder⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✖‿✖ ) Guy comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub with his mates!

(✿◠‿◠)Well ..... to be frank .... I'd have to change my name AND have a sex change!!!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✖‿✖ ) Blonde goes to buy a pizza, guy asks her if she wants it cut into 6 or 8 pieces ... "You'd better make it 6, I couldnt possibly eat 8" (✖‿✖ )

(✖‿✖ ) I opened the door in my pyjamas. It's a funny place to have a door I know!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶"


(✿◠_◠) Been researching my family tree but all I found was a load of NUTS - no surprise there then(✿◠_◠)

◕‿◕ Wrap me in clingfilm and slap me with a cucumber!!!!!! ◕‿◕،

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Beauty tip No. 37: When you run out of make-up, just wear a see-through top and no bra .... no-one will EVER notice the make-up⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠_◠) BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!!!! No sign of intelligent life down here after all!!!! (✿◠_◠)

☆•:*´¨`*:•.☆My bed is shouting "Jump on in", so I'm off now peeps, cya in the morning! NITE ALL ☆•:*´¨`*:•.☆

(✿◠‿◠) If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower (✿◠‿◠)

┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. WARNING: Excessive use can lead to addiction

(⊙▂⊙) Hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn't want to now? I HATE that. Anyway, I gotta go pee (⊙▂⊙)


(✿◠‿◠)"A BOOK???? WHAT D'YOU WANNA FLAMING BOOK FOR?...WE'VE GOT A LOVELY TELLY WITH A 12-INCH SCREEN AND NOW YA WANNA BOOK????" — Roald Dahl, Matilda (✿◠‿◠)

❈´¯`*•.¸ ★ "Matilda said, "Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable..." ❈´¯`*•.¸ ★

(✿◠‿◠) The major cause of car accidents is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel. (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Stephen Hawking has written a new book -- It's about time


If a person from Iceland and a person from Cuba have a baby together, would it be considered an ice cube?

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠* If ur SLEEPY and u know it close ur eyes * If ur sleepy and u know it
close ur eyes * If ur sleepy and u know it and u really want to show it, if ur
sleepy and u know it, GO TO BED!!!!! Nite all *

☆*´¯`*☆ I'm NOT short, I'm F*U*N SIZED!!!☆*´¯`*☆


th ▒▒is sta▒tus is bro▒▒▒ken but a▒ little duct ta▒ep works▒▒ wond▒ers


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head. ~ "Edmund Blackadder !!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I fear the words "I have a cunning plan" are rapidly marching towards this conversation with ill-deserved confidence". Edmund Blackadder⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I thought to myself that I could never post a status message regarding my mental disorder,But then a little voice told me, "sure you can, ask the toaster" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


Laughter is the best medicine and your FACE is CURING the world!!!!! teeheehee
•*¨`*• The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.•*¨`*•


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I bet you cant write the number 6 with your right hand, slap your bum with your left hand, whilst lifting your leg up and moving it in a circle clockwise, ALL whilst chewing on a table table leg with a banana in your mouth ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)(✿◠‿◠)If yOu c4n r34d 7h!s y0u've b33n 0n 7h3 c0^^9ut3r vv 4y 2 l0ng (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I didnt lose my mind, it was mine to give away(✿◠‿◠)

There once was a man from Winsocket. Who road into town on a Rocket. The force from the blast, blew his balls up his @$$ and his pecker was found in his pocket.
(✿◠‿◠)If brandy makes you randy, whisky makes you frisky, and gin makes you sin, what does vodka do?

(✿◠‿◠)We're all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.(✿◠‿◠)

✿◠‿◠) (✿◠_◠) Fluent (◕‿◕｡) in (｡◕‿◕｡) SARCASM!!!!!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Did u know that the longest word u can type on one row on ur keyboard is TYPEWRITER? Bet ur looking at urs right now aint ya?(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Mirror mirror looking glass, please tell me that's not my ass!!! (✿◠‿◠)

♫•*´¯`We gotta get out while we're young, `Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run ♫.•*´¯`

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Onions aren't the only vegetable that make you cry. Being whacked in the face with a potato usually does the trick too!!!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Why are hurricanes normally named after women? Cos when they come they're unpredictable and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ It's a proven fact that it's physically impossible to lick your elbow. It's ALSO a proven fact that 82% of numpties will try it after reading this ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) "If the shoe fits - buy them in EVERY colour"(✿◠‿◠)

(◕‿◕✿)FB's like a fridge, when ur bored u keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's aything good in it (◕‿◕✿)

(｡◕‿◕)I'm never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken (｡‿◕｡)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ If you can't join them, BEAT them ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠_◠) Exercise programme 4 gym dodgers: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. VOILA .... AEROBIX (✿◠_◠)

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ There once was a genie, with a I2 foot weenie, who showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake, ......and now it's only 2 foot 4. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❉◠‿◠)Yes, I'm an insomniac, but I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it (❉◠‿◠)


(☀◠‿◠)Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty, and so is your head(☀◠‿◠)

❈¸.•*´¯`❈Twinkle twinkle little star, Eyes are shutting, Bed's so far, So I'm gonna try, And crawl to bed, To rest my tired and fuzzy head. Nite Nite peeps, ZzZzZz ❈¸.•*´¯`❈

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch..... AMEN ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ God made me an athesit, who are you to question his wisdom!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

If I dont c u thru the week, Ill c u thru the window



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'd like to see your point of view ..... BUT .... I can't seem to get my head that far up my ASS!!!!! ) ٩(͡ï̯͡ï)۶

(✯◠‿◠) YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!!!! That would explain why I'm a first class NUTJOB then!!!! *wink* (✯◠‿◠)

(★◠‿◠)Just to clarify matters "Yes I really WAS dropped on my head as a baby" (★◠‿◠)　

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Bob said "The other day, I was cleaning the attic out with the wife .... filthy, dirty and covered in cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) QUOTE: "benefit scrounging gutter monkeys " ~ Jack Whitehall, Bad Education ~ BRILL programme (✿◠‿◠)

❈¸.•♥*´¯`❈Just*´¯`*★Visiting ❈★•¨¯`•✯ This ❈¸.•♥*´¯`❈ Planet*´¯`*★

(©¿©) "I don't understand why people feel the need to take hard drugs. I mean, haven't they ever heard of Monopoly?" ~ Insp. Fowler (Rowan Atkinson) ~ Thin Blue Line (©¿©)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies. "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Just answered the door to a 9ft beetle who slapped me around the face, then told me to piss off!! Apparently there's a nasty bug going around!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

★*´¯`*★ There's•.¸.• A•.¸.• Little •.¸.• Witch •.¸.• in•.¸.• Every•.¸.• Woman ★*´¯`*★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Texted "I love you" to thirty phone numbers I just made up. Let the fun begin!!!

(✿◠‿◠) Was going to apply for a job as a trainee juggler, but I didn't have the balls (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Proud Father: "my new baby looks just like me!" ~ Nurse: "Oh well, never mind, as long as he's healthy" (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one & it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public & start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) Woman goes to bed clutching a duck. As she pulls the blanket over her head she says "This is the pig I'm sleeping with tonight" Her husband looks at her and says "That's not a pig, it's a duck". She replies "I think you'll find I WAS talking to the duck!"(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down t'mill, and pay t'mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah ~~ Monty Python(✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Two blondes in a car park were trying in vain to unlock the door of their Mercedes soft top with a coat hanger. When the girl with the hanger paused for breath, her friend said "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✦◠‿✦) And on the 8th day God said "Let there be Facebook so that socially challenged people can have friends too (✦◠‿✦)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies. "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is to ... just open the door and push him out fgs⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(◕V◕｡) He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! ~~ Monty Python's Life of Brian (◕V◕｡)

(✯◠‿◠)"Dad, what does 'gay' mean?" "It means 'to be happy'." "Are you gay Dad?" "No, son. I'm married." (✯◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If you're looking for an anagram of elbow, see below⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐Im not trying to impress you or anything but I can ride my bike with NO STABLILISERS and NO HANDS !!┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

(❉◠‿◠) My neighbour just asked if they can have a skip outside my house ..... I said "you can do cartwheels round the f'kin block for all I care" !! (❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Japanese scientists have created a camera with such speed that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A young medical student, brandishing a syringe, approached a patient's bed - "Nothing to worry about." Said the student. "Just a little prick with a needle." -"I know you are, but what are you going to do with that syringe?" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Man walks into a book store ask lady for a book called "The man wears the pants in the relationship". She answers "Its over there sir in the fairytale section".

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'd like to see your point of view ..... BUT .... I can't seem to get my head that far up my ASS!!!!! )

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I felt sorry for the hypnotist last night, he put 7 rugby players in a trance, dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "F*ck me!!!!!" ..... What happened next will haunt me forever!!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(◣‿◢) WHAT IS NORMAL? I know I'm deffo not "IT" ... I was just wondering what it was, that's all!!!!! (◣‿◢)

☽ ✯☽ ★The night has fallen, the day is done,
The moon has taken the place of the sun,
Close your eyes and snuggle up tight,
And remember that angels ♥
Will watch over you tonight ..
NITE ALL, sweet dreamz ☽ ✯☽ ★ 　


(✿◠‿◠) Multi-tasking like a demented squirrel on speed !!!!! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with another man. "What are you doing?" he shouted. The wife turned to the other man and said "I told you he was stupid." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 peeps in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Ting. But I think its probably Colin! (✿◠‿◠)


┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐Sometimes I hear voices in YOUR head ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

(❀◠‿◠)Guy has 6 kids + was so proud of himself that he called his wife 'Mother of 6', in spite of her objections.One night they went to a party. Near home time he wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of 6?" His wife, irritated by this shouted back, "Anytime ur ready, Father of 4!"(❀◠‿◠)

~*❤*~ 'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked."
'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'
'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.
'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here to Facebookland.' ~*❤*~

★*´¯`*★Who the hell u calling crazy? You wouldnt know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on your front porch ★*´¯`*★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Little boy sitting in the bath tub, looking at his private parts. He says 'Mummy are these my brains?' Mommy said 'Not yet son, not yet'. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Little boy sitting in the bath tub, looking at his private parts. He says 'Mummy are these my brains?' Mommy said 'Not yet son, not yet'. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(❀◠‿◠) "If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, then baffle 'em with bullshit!"(❀◠‿◠)
(｡◕V◕) I'm too sexy for my straitjacket (◕V◕ )

(♥◠‿◠) ☀•¨¯`•☀As you get older three things happen. The first thing is that your memory goes ........ and I can't seem to remember the other two ....!!! (Norman Wisdom) •¨¯`•☀(♥◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) My idea of HELL: A night of chickflicks ~ Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, followed by the The Bodyguard ~ I'd rather lobotomise myself, haha (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.(✿◠‿◠)

★*´¯`☆ Last one on Bacefook dont forget to: lock up * lights out * cats in. Nite nite peeps zzzz ★*´¯`☆

~✲~ Gonna start the revolution from my bed 'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head Step outside cos summertime's in bloom Stand up beside the fireplace Take that look from off your face You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out ~✲~

★*.¸.*★Everybody says I gotta get a grip, but I let sanity give me the slip ~~ Some people fink I'm bonkers!!! ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

◕V◕｡) Ann was having a nap on New Year's Eve. After she woke up, she told her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means? "Ah, you'll know tonight,' he said,smiling broadly.At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, he handed her a small package. Delighted, she opened it quickly. There in her hand was a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Sometimes the 'majority' only means that ALL the fools are on the same side!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)What if there were no hypothetical questions? (✿◠‿◠)

(◕V◕｡) Jim was having a pint and got chatting to an old man today.He said, "I've lost my wife you know." Being so close to Christmas I felt sorry for the old timer so I bought him a double whisky.Five minutes later he pipes up "Oh, there she is, she must have popped to the ladies." ...........TW%T!!!!! (◕V◕｡)

(✿◠‿◠) I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down t'mill, and pay t'mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah ~~ Monty Python(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Confucius says : Woman who wear wonderbra make mountains out of molehills(✿◠‿◠)

~✲~If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking~✲~


♪♪♫❤•*¨★ Who the hell u calling crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was, If Charles Manson was eating fruit loops, On your front porch ♪♪♫❤•*¨★


(✿◠‿◠) I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you ... apparently the more you have the longer you live.(✿◠‿◠)　 　　

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ If you really want to get stoned - drink wet cement!!

✯*☽*★ My bed is calling
"Jump on in"
So I gotta go now
Cya in the morning
Nite all Zzzzzz ✯*☽*★

(✿◠‿◠) I'm NOT getting old, I'm increasing in value (✿◠‿◠)

Your Eggnog’s Too Strong
~✲~ If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!~✲~

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A man with an alligator went into a bar and asked the barman "Do u serve lawyers here?" "Yes" he said. "Good, I'll have a beer and my 'gator will have a lawyer!!


BETTER TO BE PISSED OFF THAN PISSED ON!!!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The average male is 98% chimpanzee, the other 2% isn’t that smart, haha, dont take it personally guys, ITS A JOKE remember what they are???⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

★★Drive boy dog boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your innerspace boy★

☆*´¯`★ NOODGIGHT BACEFOOKERS: Ue to Dan obvious echnical terror this wall is clow nosed for 8 hours due to mite saintenance: Dweet Sreamzz ○*´¯`★

(✯◠‿◠) I seriously think I've got "WEIRDO MAGNET" tattooed on my forehead, lolzzz .... note to self "check mirror" just in case (✯◠‿◠)

(◣‿◢)A man goes into a Waterstones bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man said, "That's the one! I'll take a copy."(◣‿◢)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Note to the male of the species: Just because you got one.......doesn't mean you gotta act like one!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Lady says to her doctor "My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it? Doc says "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Note to the male of the species: Just because you got one.......doesn't mean you gotta act like one!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Went to the bank today and asked the cashier if she'd check my balance. The silly cow pushed me over!!
(✿◠‿◠)My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems (✿◠‿◠)

~✲~You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare ~✲~

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't even have a bike!"٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

(✿◠‿◠)Happy Easter from the Alzheimer's Club. Just in case, merry new year, have a fab 1965. Avoid the rush, do Xmas shopping now. Happy birthday! Your Valentine! What year is it again?? And WHO THE HELL AM I?? (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)DO IT TO THEM BEFORE THEY DO IT TO YOU!!! (✿◠‿◠)

☆¸.•°*I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems°•.¸☆
SO MANY DICKHEADS ~~ SO LITTLE TIME!!!! LOL ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

♫ Can you stay up for the weekend
And blame god for looking too old
Can you find all that you stand for
Has been replaced with mountains of gold
You cannot dream yourself to notice
To feel pain and swallow fear
But can you stay up for the weekend
For next year ♫

✯☽★ Hi ho, hi ho, its off to bed I go, with a duvet and a dream and ME in between, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho ~ NITE ALL Z z z zz ✯☽★

(✯◠‿◠) Who remembers what downloading a song was like in the olden days, lol, when it involved trying to tape it off the radio and hoping the Dj didnt talk over the end of the song? ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"Dude that song is sooooo old"...."Well so is your mum ......but you still listen to her." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister but at least I got her ruby slippers ... RESULT!!

❀ •.¸¸.•❀I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair ❀ •.¸¸.•❀

☽ ✯☽ ★Cats in: CHECK ... Doors locked: CHECK .... LIGHTS out: CHECK .... Squishy bed: CHECK ... NITE all sweetest dreamz to u all Z z z z ☽ ✯☽ ★

¯\(©¿©)/¯I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here ¯\(©¿©)/¯

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'm convinced there is no ideal family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep hidden ..... if you think your family doesn't have one ... then chances are it's YOU!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐I smile because I have no idea whats going on ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Lady says to her doctor "My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it? Doc says "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠)Did you ever blow bubbles when you were younger? ......... Yeh?? well he’s back in town and he wants your number! teeheehee (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Mickey mouse was in court, the Judge said "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just 'cos she has sticky out teeth!" Mickey said " No, no, no, I said she was f*cking Goofy! !!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(©¿©)A woman was sipping a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how the hell I could ever live without you!" Her husband asks "Sweetheart, is that you, or the wine in you talking?" She replies "It's me ........ talking to the wine(©¿©)

¯\(©¿©)/¯ I overanalyze everything all of the time. Maybe overanalyze isn't the right word. And not everything, but most things. And not all the time ¯\(©¿©)/¯

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Math questions are so stupid! They're like "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?" Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The difference between men and women can be summed up in punctuating the following sentence. "A woman without her man is nothing"
Men will write "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
Women will write "A woman: without her, man is nothing."⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

¯\(©¿©)/¯Sometimes there just aren't enough explicit words in my vocabulary to fully express what I'm thinking!¯\(©¿©)/¯

¯\(©¿©)/¯ NUTS ¯\(©¿©)/¯

(©¿©)A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear." ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

my neighbour has beaten his wife to death - not with a stick or anything, he just died first.

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Sir, may I use your Dictaphone?" Her boss says, "No, use your finger just like everybody else ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

After all these years, Bono 'still hasn't found what he's looking for' ~ because it's hard to find anything when your head's that far up your own arse

Had that funny feeling I was being watched today, but I shrugged it off + finished the table dance.

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay, oh no, he has alzheimer's and thought it was the car.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✯◠‿◠) Having a MADHAIRDAY since 1966 and STILL going strong!!!!!!! (✯◠‿◠)
•*¨☀¨*•Go insane ★*ღ*° * ° Go insane ★* °Throw some G*L*I*T*T*E*R* ★ Make it rain •*¨☀¨*•


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Saw this guy today with a t-shirt that said "WHAT WOMEN WANT" ~ sadly it wasn't ~ Oh, the irony ~ epic FAIL!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠⏝♥) Last night I asked my cat if it could talk. He said, "Me? How?" (✿◠⏝♥)

I remember we were so poor we drew the curtains .... the rest of the furniture was real

✰˚ ˛★* ღ˛° * There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." ..... "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as SIX impossible things before breakfast" ~ Lewis Carroll ✰˚ ˛* ღ˛° *

(❉◠‿◠) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. (❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day, I'm not gonna take it any more, tomorrow I'm putting my foot down. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

★¸¸.•*If you *Sprinkle*
When u Tinkle
Be a Sweetie
Wipe the seatie •*´¯`★

that bug up your ass allows me to hear everything

Irony is reading a conversation on Facebook about how Twitter is a waste of time

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge...we'll see about that...HAAAAAA!!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠My mate just said that nothing rhymes with purple!! .... what a numpty, no it doesn't!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch !! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Thats not a fashion statement ~ its a CRY FOR HELP!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❀◠‿◠) Note to self "I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think some people are taking it as a challenge!!!! (❀◠‿◠)
Bloke opens front door to find his mother-in-law with a suitcase .. "can I stay here for the night?" she asked .... "sure u can" he says "and promptly shuts the door in her face

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I've got one nerve left, and you're getting on it
Change your mind. It'll work better.
Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
Desperately clinging to Utopian illusions.


(✿◠‿◠)I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought to myself "He's trying a pull a fast one!"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

☀☽ ✯☽ "One, two. Freddie’s calling for you. Three, four. Better lock your door. Five, six. Grab your crucifix. Seven, eight. Gonna stay up late. Nine, ten. Never sleep again." NITE ALL ~ Don't have nightmares Z z z z ~ ☀☽ ✯☽


(✿◠‿◠)Some people hear voices ~ Some see invisible people ~ Other peeps have no imagination whatsoever!!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
Mark Zuckerberg's bought a $7 mil mansion. It's got poor security. Also, he'll constantly remodel until everyone hates it


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ATTENTION!!!! Do you know someone who suffers from RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION. Rectal Cranial Inversion, otherwise known as Head Up Your Ass Syndrome, affects the lives of many. There is still no known cure for Rectal Cranial Inversion, but we can at least to try and raise awareness!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✖‿✖ )(✖‿✖ )SHi~~~ TING!! (✖‿✖ )(✖‿✖ )

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

¯\(©¿©)/¯ 1
So, u know the old wives tale about when ur ears burn they say "oh, someone's talking about you" ... well my mate Bob went to his doctor last week and told him “My penis is burning.” Doc said, “That just means someone’s talking about it.” ¯\(©¿©)/¯



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Had that funny feeling I was being watched today, but I shrugged it off + finished the table dance.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(©¿©)A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked it up and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear." ٩(͡ï̯͡ï)۶ 　

(✿◠‿◠)Mary, Mary quite contrary, Watched her garden thrive. The cops found the seed of a very odd weed; Now she's doing a stretch of five (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)There Once was a Man called Reg, Who Went with a girl in a Hedge, Along came his wife, With a big Carving Knife, And cut off his meat and two veg!!(✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day, I'm not gonna take it any more, tomorrow I'm putting my foot down. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

•♫*¨♫★Who the hell u calling crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was, If Charles Manson was eating fruit loops, On your front porch •♫*¨♫★

•♫*¨♫★If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking •♫*¨♫★

(✿◠‿◠)"I like big butts and I can not lie." - Said the homeless guy sifting through an ashtray.(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)BISEXUAL??? That's just being greedy! (✿◠‿◠)

(✯◠‿◠) I'm too sexy for ...... (fill in ur own blanks lol) (✯◠‿◠)
★。＼\ |／。★

Jeeeese ... some days .... just some days ..... I really dont give a flying f**k ~*~ this is one of them days :(


Yo mammas so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠FOR SALE: Antique desk , suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre the other day when they found something suspicious in a car, it turned out to be a tax disc

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Heard something bizarre on the news today, a baby's been born with organs of both sexes. Yeh, apparently, it's got a penis and a brain⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem? He thought nobody important was out to get him

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Bloke phones hospital in a state of excitement "My wife's pregnant, her contractions are only 2 minutes apart" . The doc says "Is this her first child?" "No you idiot, this is her husband" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Bloke goes to the doctors and says "doctor, doctor, you've got to help me, I've got six willies". The doc looks at him in disbelief and says "Well, that's a load of bollocks"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



Drink, drink wherever you may be, we are the drunk and disorderly, and we don't give a shit and we dont give a fuck, cos we're only happy when we're proper pissed up.

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. "pull over" he shouted. "No, officer, it's a scarf"

Vodka vodka everywhere , drink enough and you wont care, vodka vodka in a glass, drink enough and you're on ur ass.


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I know a CHAV who's name is Jim, I like to throw tomatoes at him, tomatoes are soft and they dont hurt the skin, but these fuckers do cos they come in a tin⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish


What does it mean when you come home to loving tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex? It means you're in the wrong fkn house!!

Bloke opens his front door to find his mother-in-law with a suitcase. "Can I stay here for a few days?" she asks. "Sure you can" he says and shuts the door in her face

That's NOT a fashion statement, it's a cry for help!!!!!

A man in a bus queue in Stoke, unzipped his fly for a joke, An old man gave a shout, and nearly passed out, and a woman nearby had a stroke

Why did the CHAV rub Viagara in his eyes? Cos he wanted to look hard!

Just read a book called "How to get rich quick" by Robin Banks

Why did the woman cross the road, more to the point, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

I'm bringing sexy back ...... to the shop for a refund

Bloke goes to a fancy dress as a snail ... Man says "But you're not in fancy dress, you've got a girl on your back" ... Bloke replies "Noooo, she's not a girl, she's Michelle"

Yo mammas so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion

FOR SALE: Antique desk , suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre the other day when they found something suspicious in a car .... it turned out to be a tax disc

Heard someting bizarre on the news today, a baby's been born with organs of both sexes. Yeh, apparently, it's got a penis and a brain

Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem? He thought nobody important was out to get him

Bloke phones hospital in a state of excitement "My wife's pregnant, her contractions are only 2 minutes apart" . The doc says "Is this her first child?" .... "No you idiot, this is her husband"

Bloke goes to the doctors and says "doctor, doctor, you've got to help me, I've got six willies". The doc looks at him in disbelief and says "Well, that's a load of bollocks"

Drink, drink wherever you may be, we are the drunk and disorderly, and we don't give a shit and we dont give a fuck, cos we're only happy when we're proper pissed up.

A cop spotted a woman driving a nd knitting at the same time. "pull over" he shouted. "No, officer, it's a scarf"

Vodka vodka everywhere , drink enough adn you wont care, vodka vodka in a glass, drink enough and ou're on ur ass.


I know a CHAV who's nameis Jim, I like to throw tomatoes at him, tomatoes are soft and they dont hurt the skinm, ut theswe fuckers do cos they come in a tin.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠What does it mean when you come home to loving tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex? It means you're in the wrong fkn house!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Bloke opens his front door to find his mother-in-law with a suitcase. "Can I stay here for a few days?" she asks. "Sure you can" he says and shuts the door in her face⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

That's NOT a fashion statement, it's a cry for help!!!!!

A man in a bus queue in Stoke, unzipped his fly for a joke, An old man gave a shout, and nearly passed out, and a woman nearby had a stroke

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Why did the CHAV rub Viagara in his eyes? Cos he wanted to look hard!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Just read a book called "How to get rich quick" by Robin Banks⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Why did the woman cross the road?? More to the point, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

I'm bringing sexy back ...... to the shop for a refund

Bloke goes to a fancy dress as a snail ... Man says "But you're not in fancy dress, you've got a girl on your back" ... Bloke replies "Noooo, she's not a girl, she's Michelle"

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ NOTICE in a Spanish toilet: "To stop the drip, turn cock to the right!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ For sale: Mixing bowl designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating!! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree. "Hold on to ur nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Thank God that I'm an atheist!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

I got broken into last night! They Took my dictionary and my scrabble board. I tell you mate, I'm lost for words

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ SIGN in shop window: "We exchange everything, bicycles, washing machines etc., bring your wife and get the deal of your life !! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Two blondes in a car park were trying in vain to unlock the door of their Mercedes soft top with a coat hanger. When the girl with the hanger paused for breath, her friend said "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Disneyworld: A people trap, operated by a mouse ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠After bumping into a talking tin man, a talking lion, and a talking scarecrow, Dorothy finally realised that that her drug problem had gotten out of hand and booked herself into REHAB!! ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ TIP OF THE DAY: Dont rub your "very tired" eyes when you've been rubbing Deep Heat on ur "very painful" shoulder!!!! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Mickey mouse was in court, the Judge said "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just 'cos she has sticky out teeth!" Mickey said " No, no, no, I said she was f*cking Goofy! !!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❉◠‿◠) ATTENTION !!! Due to technical difficulties, the scheduled END OF WORLD event has been postponed. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. If you have already quit your job, given away your life savings or liquidated all of your assets... OOPS!!!!! Epic Fail .... We will attempt another doomsday event in December, 2012. Please stay tuned 4 more details (❉◠‿◠)
...

(❉◠‿◠) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. (❉◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A guys walks into a chemist and asks for some condoms. "Do u need a bag?" asks the assistant .... "no need, this time she's not that ugly !" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars... hahahaha, idiots!!!! They could have downloaded it for free!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Everybody always tells ya to say "No!" to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late

☆*´¯`* ★ (✿◠‿◠)Will try anything once, and twice if it's GOOD!! (✿◠‿◠)☆*´¯`* ★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't even have a bike!" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Stephen Hawking has FINALLY written a new book -- It's about time ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) The major cause of car accidents is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel. (✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠)My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely and doesn't come back for days! (✿◠‿◠)

(✯◠‿◠) Woman asks her husband "Can we go out somewhere really expensive tonight honey?" ~ "Sure darling" ~ So he took her to the petrol station (✯◠‿◠)


(✯◠‿◠) Dear person complaining about the cost of petrol ..... "That Starbucks coffee in your hand costs £20 a gallon" .... seriously? ....just saying .... (✯◠‿◠)


(✯◠‿◠) Ladies you need to stop calling men dogs, cuz they're not dogs. First of all dogs are loyal and secondly they can lick their own balls!!(✯◠‿◠)

Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breath

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Listen to me when I tell you: "Never give advice to others" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✯◠‿◠)Actually, according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution …..(✯◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) 'Grandad, do you know how to croak?' "I don't think so, Steven, why?" 'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.' (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Saw this guy today with a t-shirt that said "WHAT WOMEN WANT" ~ sadly it wasn't ~ Oh, the irony ~ epic FAIL!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)U know ur getting old when all the tunes on Classic Gold Fm seem so fresh and up to date! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Girl takes dress to dry cleaners & asks for it be cleaned. The man is a bit deaf & says "come again?" Girl blushes and says "no this time its yogurt"!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❀◠‿◠) Statistically, 426% of all people exaggerate.!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
(✿◠‿◠) If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower (✿◠‿◠)

✿*´¯`* ☀The sun can kiss the moon goodbye☀ A flower can kiss a butterfly✿ Wine can kiss a frosted glass☀ But you my friend can kiss my ass!! ✿*´¯`* ☀
He has more faces than a clock factory.


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"It really annoys me when people get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up. I think there idiots" by O.C.D. Grammar Freak ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐It's not that I don't believe you, I'm just 100% sure you're full of crap .... ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The difference between men and women can be summed up in punctuating the following sentence. "A woman without her man is nothing"
Men will write "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
Women will write "A woman: without her, man is nothing."⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(✿◠‿◠) ♫I believe I can fly ♫ I believe I can touch the sky ♫ I only went out for a bag of chips ♫ but I got shot in the dangly bits!! ♫(✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'm convinced there is no ideal family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep hidden ..... if you think your family doesn't have one ... then chances are it's YOU!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(◠‿◠)Hey a$$hole ...... How about a tall glass of shut the fu*k up? (◠‿◠)

(◣_◢)Sky news: 'Royal wedding - routes and reception revealed' ....... Sky News: Giving the terrorist a helping hand since 1989.(◣_◢)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠When I asked you for a flower, you gave me a garden ...... When I asked you for a stone, you gave me a statue ..... What are you ,,... DEAF? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❉◠‿◠) CUPID STUNT (❉◠‿◠)

(❉◠‿◠) I was lying in bed last night looking up at the moon and stars shining so brightly when I suddenly thought to myself "Where the hell has my roof gone? (❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If I can get 50 people to Click the Like Button on my Status, My Cat has agreed to stop smoking Meth ..... please share! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.
(✿◠‿◠) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! (✿◠‿◠)

(♥◠‿◠) I looked out the window & watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes & thought WOW dogs are so easily entertained. I then realized I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes!!! (♥◠‿◠)

~*❤*~ 'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked."
'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'
'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice. 'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.' ~*❤*~

✫.•*¨`*•✫.I'm Too Young to be THIS old✫.•*¨`*•✫.

(❉◠‿◠) The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.


(✿◠‿◠) Apparently I've still got it, only trouble is I cant remember where the hell I put "it"!(✿◠‿◠)

(⊙_◎) Yesterday I danced like no one was watching ~ Naked in the middle of town!!!! .... Damn, the Court date is this Thursday ! (⊙_◎)
(@‿@) What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything!(@‿@)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠To the woman with 6 screaming kids under the age of 9 in Tescos today: "if you're wondering how that box of condoms got in your basket, no need to thank me, you're welcome, I'm a helpful kinda gal. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ATISHOOOO!!!! ~ excuuuuuuuse meeeeee, but I'm allergic to BULLSHIT!!! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

(❉◠‿◠)Shortest fairytale ~~ Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will u marry me?" The girl said "NO!" They both lived happily ever after!! (❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠It's not that I don't know how to juggle, I just didn't have the balls to do it.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 　


(❉◠‿◠)Called mum to say "I just got laid off." didn't think today could get worse, but the call ended before she heard me say "off" (❉◠‿◠)

(◣_◢)10 Years, Billions of dollars, Thousands of soldiers dead, and state of the art technology ...... . and The US finally found Bin Laden ... In his house!!!! (◣_◢)

(✿◠‿◠) If you're talking behind my back then you're in a good position to KISS MY ASS! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken ran up and shouted "I wouldn't do that mate, you'll never hear the end of it!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


I do all my additions in my head. It's the thought that counts.

With great power comes a great electric bill.

Doctors tell us there are seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one & it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public & start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister but at least I got her ruby slippers ... RESULT!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠How do u expect kids 2 listen 2 their parents ~ Tarzan's always half naked ~ Cinderella comes home at midnight ~ Pinnochio lies all the time ~ Alladin's the king of thieves ~ Batman drives at 325 miles hour ~ Sleeping Beauty's a lazy cow and Snow White's a slag who lives with 7 men ... WTF!! And they wonder why kids grow up dysfunctional! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(❀◠‿◠) Why did the woman cross the road? More to the point, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen??


(✦◠‿✦) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. (✦◠‿✦)

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐My tolerance of stupid people is decreasing daily at great speed! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

(✯◠‿◠) MY CATS MOTTO: "Whatever you've done, always act superior and make it look as if the dog did it"(✯◠‿◠)


"If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, then baffle 'em with bullshit!"(❀◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Two indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a KORMA, and the other's got a dodgy TIKKA⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(♥◠‿◠) Love may make the world go round, but alcohol makes it go around twice as fast!(♥◠‿◠)

(✯◠‿◠) Having a MADHAIRDAY since 1966 and STILL going strong!!!!!!! (✯◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) They say a flower can't symbolize love, but a rose did. They say a plant can't live without water, but a cactus did. They say retards can't read, but, hey, look at you!!!(❀◠‿◠)

(♥◠‿◠) People say that the training process for cats is quite difficult. It isn't. Two days is all it took til my cat had me fully trained!! (♥◠‿◠)

(❀◠‿◠) Eleventeen percent of people make up words (❀◠‿◠)

(★◠‿◠) Sometimes, the true reasons why one may have lost ones mind, may also be good enough reason NOT to find it (★◠‿◠)

✯◠‿◠) YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!!!! Explains why I'm a little bit nutty, and always full of beans!!!!(✯◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Roses are unicorns violets are green welcome to the party I'm Charlie Sheen ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

When somebody says "Expect the unexpected" slap them in the face and say " You didn't expect that did you."
I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to you ALL eventually ~ please form an orderly queue! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A postman sees a boy with a huge dog. "Does your dog bite" asked the mailman "No" said the boy, and the dog started to bite the postmans leg. "You said he doesnt bite!!" yells the postman. "That's not MY dog" replies the boy!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(❀◠‿◠) When ur 9 yrs old, u tend to get ur words muddled up a bit, and as I've NEVER eaten meat, I remember telling ALL my friends: "I don't eat meat, I'm a virgin"!! I knew the word began with a "V" but just couldnt remember which one it was, I NEVER DID LIVE IT DOWN, lolz (❀◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of wood! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though ... wooden tit??? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) CRIKEY, I just sneezed sooooooo loud, my cat jumped about 4 foot in the air, haha, u had to be there to appreciate it, lolzzz (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) "Girls shouldn't play with mens balls, their hands are too small" (Senator W. on Basketball) ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠) Two cows are lying in a field.One of them says to the other,So what do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing?The other says "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"!


(✿◠‿◠)Plumber: "Ok, so where's the drip?" ~ Harry's wife: "He's in the bathroom trying to fix the leak" (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ My mum's boyfriend hates when I shorten his name to 'Dick'. Mainly 'cos his name is Matthew.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) I wish I was a caterpillar,
Life would be a farce,
I'd climb up all the little trees,
And slide down on my a*se.(✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) If the ocean were vodka and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's not vodka, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and lets get p*ssed up!

(©¿©)< grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the Gateau. (©¿©) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff c*cks and no f***ing idea why! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ☽ ☼ ☀☽Once the MOON winks at you tonight☽ I wish SWEET DREAMS embrace you tight ☼ Hope your day was quite all right ☀And now I bid you a fond GOOD NIGHT ☽ ☼ ☀☽ 　 　 ☠☠ (♥◠‿◠)I'm putting another pin in my voodoo doll...if you didn't feel anything you're safe!(♥◠‿◠) ☠☠ 　 (✿◠‿◠)Donald duck was on a dirty weekend when he called reception and asked for condoms. Receptionist said "Shall I put them on your bill?" "Don't be thucking thupid I'd thuffocate" (✿◠‿◠) It's strange how people look at you funny when you run down the street naked with a knife in your hand! (✿◠‿◠) Dave said "My wife's on a diet, all she eats is coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she's brilliant at climbing trees!!! (✿◠‿◠) 　 (❀◠‿◠) Studies show that if you say "studies show" before saying anything .... people buy it ! (❀◠‿◠) ★•¨¯`• ★ I'm yawning, I'm yawning, Facebooks gotten boring, so I'm off to bed, to rest my head and I'll cyall in the morning!! Nite all, sweet and sexy dreamzz to u all!! •¨¯`• ★ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If only COMMON SENSE was more common!!!!!!!!!!!　 (♥◠‿◠)Little Miss Muffet sat on a buffet, messing about on Facebook, but it got really late, and her bed wouldnt wait, so to Facebook she had to say "stuff it"!! NITEY NITE PEEPS, sweet dreamzz! (♥◠‿◠) 　I was going through airport customs and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently "What do you need?" wasnt the right answer ⎝⏠⏝ (❉◠‿◠) If Facebook ever shuts down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, and poking each other ~ just another Friday night in Bradford I suppose!!!(❉◠‿◠) 　 (❉◠‿◠) One thing that always makes me hazy: Is it just ME, or is everyone else CRAZY?(❉◠‿◠) (❀◠‿◠) Why do we turn the music down in our car when looking for a street sign? So we can see it better?? dohhhh (❀◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠　 (♥◠‿◠)One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain ...... but it WAS a long time ago .... and it WAS just that ONE day !!(♥◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) After fleeing from the wicked witch of the east, talking to a tin man, a lion, and a scarecrow, Dorothy decided it was high time she checked herself into rehab!! (✿◠‿◠) ☆•¨¯`• ★ Hi-ho, hi-ho it's off to bed I go, with a duvet and a dream and me in between, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho ★ NITE ALL ★•¨¯`• ☆ (✿◠‿◠) How come women always have "NEW" babies? As opposed to what exactly? ...... old ones??(✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Woman asked the pharmacist "Do you sell Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he replied. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two!" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Paddy and Mick were sitting in the front room. Paddy was eating a bag of doughnuts. Mick says "Hey Paddy if I can guess how many Doughnuts you have left can I have the rest?" Paddy says "Ok if you can guess how many I have left I'll give them both" Mick replies "Ok then, is it 4?"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid - D..O ...... Y.. O..U .... UNDERSTAND??⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ღ˛°* °♥ ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ Well, I found the pot at the end of the rainbow ....... trouble is the leprechaun already smoked most of it! ღ˛° * °♥ ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ (✿◠‿◠)In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied by many other means!.(✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ My mum's boyfriend hates when I shorten his name to 'Dick'. Mainly 'cos his name is Matthew.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠) Be open-minded ~ but not so open-minded that your brains fall out! (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠_◠) .Been researching my family tree but all I found was a load of NUTS - no surprise there then!(✿◠_◠) (✿◠‿◠) Proud Father: "my new baby looks just like me!" ~ Nurse: "Oh well, never mind, as long as he's healthy" (✿◠‿◠) 　 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A young medical student, brandishing a syringe, approached a patient's bed - "Nothing to worry about." Said the student. "Just a little prick with a needle." -"I know you are, but what are you going to do with that syringe?" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Just found out that if you say "gullible" REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like oranges!!!!!!⎝ ⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Dave said "I lost the pub quiz last night by one point. The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Jamaica!" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ✯¨¯`✯One, two * Freddie's calling for you ★Three, four * Better lock your door ★ Five, six. Grab your crucifix ★ Seven, eight * Gonna stay up late ★ Nine, ten * Never sleep again." ~ NITE PEEPS, Dont have nightmares Z z z z✯¨¯`✯　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Jim said "My wife sent me shopping today. She told me to go and buy something that'll make her look sexy, so I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of beer" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠)Did you ever blow bubbles when you were younger? ......... Yeh, well he’s back in town and he wants your new number! teeheehee (✿◠‿◠) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The Asylum seeker says "I'm hungry." *POW* a hug banquet appears! He then says "Now I want a nice house." *POW* a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says"I want to be British." *POW* everything vanishes! He asks "Where has everything gone?" the fairy says "You're British now mate, you're Entitled to fuck all." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Jeeeese ... some days .... just some days ..... I really dont give a flying f**k ~*~ this is one of them days :( (✿◠_◠) I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself "How can anyone stoop so low?"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Jim thinks his girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before him, cos she calls him her 'sixty second lover'.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I broke the nails on my thumbs the other day, and my 4 yr old niece looked totally flummaxed and said "But DeeDee how u gonna peel oranges now??" Kids, doncha just love them!!l (✯◠‿◠) ♥*✿•.¸¸.• ƸӜƷ❀Lights OUT, cats IN. Doors LOCKED, eyes SHUT Zzzzzzzzz nite all ♥*✿•.¸¸.• ƸӜƷ❀ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The sexual postition formerly known as 69 is now called 96. due to inflation and the credit crunch !!!! (✿◠‿◠) MIND GAMES: Think of a number .. Double that number .... Add 8 .... Minus half that number ... Minus the number you started with: I bet the answer is 4 !! (✿◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)Dan thought to himself "It looks nice out .... so he left it out all day!! (✯◠‿◠) ♥ Put ♥ This ♥ On ♥ Your ♥ Status ♥ If ♥ You ♥ Know ♥ Someone ♥ Who ♥ Needs ♥ a ♥ SLAP ♥ But ♥ Not ♥ Just ♥ Any ♥ Slap ♥ a ♥ REALLY ♥ BIG ♥ Slap ♥ With ♥ a ♥ Really ♥ Big ♥ Shovel ♥　 (★◠‿◠) If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?(★◠‿◠) ★*.¸.*★Come * Take* A ✯Trip *.¸.*To.•*¨`*•My.•*¨`*•Wonderland * Let's .•*¨`*•Spread *.¸.*Our *Wings .•*¨`*• And*.¸.* Fly * Away ★*.¸.*★ 　 (★◠‿◠)Don't complain of being stung by the thorn of the rose. Nobody wants to hear about your little prick!! (★◠‿◠) ✿◠‿◠)I feel like a 25-year-old. But there's never one around when you need one is there? (✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠So I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in a shop window that said "Television for Sale, ONLY £1 cos "Volume is Stuck On Full". I thought: "I can’t turn that down"!!!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (｡◕‿◕)I'm never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken (｡‿◕｡) (✿◠‿◠)I tried to join a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to f*ck off (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠)Kids, when I was your age we had one phone in the house, it was in the living room, attached by a wire at the side of the TV, so that everyone could listen. There were only 3 TV channels, and cartoons were only on a Saturday morning and the only social networking we had was called 'outside'!! (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) Was going to apply for a job as a trainee juggler, but I didn't have the balls to try it.(✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower (✿◠‿◠) 　 ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses have wilted, The violets are dead, The sugar bowl is empty, And so is your head!! haha ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥　 　 (≧◡≦) If you love someone set them on fire!! Oh sh*t, did I get that right? Oh Nooooooo, what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one, the fire engines on its way! (≧◡≦) (≧◡≦) NEVER did understand why DICK is short for Richard! Poor Richard, lolzzz! (≧◡≦) (✿◠‿◠)"You have to stay in shape. Take my grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is!!! (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) If ignorance is bliss then some peeps must be ORGASMIC!! (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) Woman goes to bed clutching a duck. As she pulls the blanket over her head she says "This is the pig I'm sleeping with tonight" Her husband looks at her and says "That's not a pig, it's a duck". She replies "I think you'll find I WAS talking to the duck!"(✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) Been there ~ Seen it ~ Done it ~ Bought the t-shirt ~ trouble is, it didnt fit!!!! (✿◠‿◠) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one & it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public & start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Japanese scientists have created a camera with such speed that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 　 (✿◠‿◠) "If the shoe fits - buy them in EVERY colour"(✿◠‿◠) ⏠⏝⏠⎠After 30 years of marriage to Florence, Jim the plumber left his wife. The note on the kitchen table simply read "It's over Flo".⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay, oh no, he has alzheimer's and thought it was the car.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠) If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring only one thing, what would it be? For those of you who didn't say a boat, enjoy ur island. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Guy was in the pub with his wife & said: "I LUV U" She said: "Aw, is that u or the beer talking?" He replied: "Oh it's me alright ..... talking to the beer! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠" Tom, I ain't a pussy-person. When people look at me, they don't think 'cat', they think 'dog'" ~ Linda La Hughes (Gimme Gimme Gimme) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (❉◠‿◠)Today I went to the opticians and guess who I bumped into? ............ Everybody (❉◠‿◠) (❀◠‿◠) A little bloke walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. The little man said "I just did that" So the biker thumped him!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ 　　 ★•¨¯`• ★ I'm yawning, I'm yawning, Facebooks gotten boring, so I'm off to bed, to rest my head and I'll cyall in the morning!! Nite all, sweet and sexy dreamzz to u all!! •¨¯`• ★ (✿◠_◠)KIDS TALK: "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9) (✿◠_◠) (✿◠_◠) I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself "How can anyone stoop so low?"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Hi my name is David Cameron but you can call me Margaret ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Honesty is the best policey, but insanity is a better defence! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Prejudiced people are all alike!!!٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me f*ck alone!!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ 　 (✿◠‿◠) How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didnt hear what they said? ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Conversation between god & a Human.. Human: What's a century like to you? God: It's like a second. Human: What's a billion dollars like to you? God: Like a penny Human: Can I have a penny? God: Sure, just wait for a second..⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (❀◠‿◠) A man writing in his diary: "I'm an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I've always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison (❀◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ AMAZING FACT: You can't kill yourself by holding your breath (Don't try this at home Facebookers! lol)٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠My grans knitting club was shut down by police today!!!!! Apparently the old dears were caught sharing needles !!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (★◠‿◠)Spider spider on the wall, have u got no sense at all, didn't you know the walls were plastered, now you're stuck you stupid ba***rd!!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ (❀◠‿◠) A WISE MAN ONCE SAID "GO ASK A WOMAN" (❀◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If you have a headache, follow this advice on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ (✿◠‿◠)There Once was a Man called Reg, Who Went with a girl in a Hedge, Along came his wife, With a big Carving Knife, And cut off his meat and two veg!! OUCH! (✿◠‿◠) Sometimes I hear voices in YOUR head (✿◠‿◠) Social worker: "All I want to know Vicky is where is your baby?"Vicky Pollard: "Doh, I swapped it for a Westlife CD"Social worker: "Oh my God, how could you?"Vicky Pollard: "I know, they're rubbish aint they" ~ Little Britain (✿◠‿◠) ✿◠‿◠)Just remember: if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off !! (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) Beware the disease Idiotitis. Causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands affected. May be contagious. Best defense: slap and run. (✿◠‿◠) 　　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch..... AMEN ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠)If brandy makes you randy, whisky makes you frisky, and gin makes you sin, what does vodka do? (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) "All the world is a stage" ... things is, I've gone and lost the script!!! (✿◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.(✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠) Woman asks her husband "Can we go out somewhere really expensive tonight honey?" ~ "Sure darling" ~ So he took her to the petrol station (✯◠‿◠) 　 (✯◠‿◠)Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came outside, he kissed them too cause he was bi... (✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)I went to see my doctor. "Doc, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?" He said "I haven't the foggiest idea, but your eyesights perfect."(✯◠‿◠) •*¨★¨*• ☆ It's not the SIZE of your w♦a♦n♦d *• ☆•* but the M*A*G*I*C in the stick that counts!!•*¨★¨*• ☆ (✯◠‿◠) "Mummy, mummy, dont u think its about time I started to wear a bra, now I'm 16?" ....... Mum: "no, its not David!" (✯◠‿◠) 　 •*¨★¨*•(♥◠‿◠)Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble, give a whistle, And this'll help things turn out for the best...AND ....Always look on the bright side of life... (♥◠‿◠)•*¨★¨*• 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Why do people say "It's always in the last place you look?" Why would u keep looking after you've found it?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Little Jimmy says to his mum "When I grow up I want to be a man" Mum says "Haha, don't be silly sweetheart, you can't do both" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 　 (✯◠‿◠) Anyone who pays to see a shrink needs to have their head examined !! (✯◠‿◠) ☆*´¯`* ★ (✿◠‿◠)Will try anything once, and twice if it's GOOD!! (✿◠‿◠)☆*´¯`* ★ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Can anybody help? I need to think of another term for 'cash machine', but cant think of any atm ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✯◠‿◠)Why do peeps always say "do you fancy a NICE cup of tea?" ~ As opposed to what exactly?? (✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour (✯◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Guy asks wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says: "I'd take half and leave you" Husband: " Perfect! I've won £10, here's a fiver now f**k off! 　 ☀•¨¯`•.¸¸.Follow ♥ •¨¯`•the .¸¸.☆Yellow •¨¯`•.Brick¸¸.♥•.Road ¸¸.☆ ☀* (✿◠‿◠) We can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.(✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I thought to myself that I could never post a status message regarding my mental disorder,But then a little voice told me, "sure you can hunni, ask the toaster" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (◡‿◡✿) Apparently, Charlie Sheen wants $30 million an episode for Two and a Half Men…WTF!!!? Is he on drugs or something? (◡‿◡✿) 　 ✿☆✯•¨¯`• Dont fight with the pillow, but lay down your head, And kick every worriment out of your bed! ~~ off to recharge, Nite ALL Zzzz¨¯`•✿☆✯ (≧◡≦) My mate was crushed to death underneath the coffee machine at work!!! At least it was instant !!!(≧◡≦) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Terrorists are now planting bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti. If one of them explodes it could spell disaster!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ✯☽★Hush little baby don't say a word And never mind that noise you heard It's just the beasts under your bed In your closet and in your head ✯ Nite peeps, dont have nightmares, lolzzzzz✯☽★ (≧◡≦)There was a little druggie, sat in a buggie, smoking a pipe of weed, along came a spider and sat down beside her and sold her some acid and speed (≧◡≦) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Mickey mouse was in court, the Judge said "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just 'cos she has sticky out teeth!" Mickey said " No, no, no, I said she was f*cking Goofy! !!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠) Everybody says I got to get a grip, But I let sanity give me the slip (✿◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)John asked his wife "what would u do if I won the lottery?" ~ she said "I'd take half and leave you" ~ "FANTASTIC" said John "I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now FUCK OFF!!!!! (✯◠‿◠) Customer service notice - Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you're in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite!! (✿◠‿◠). I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared (✿◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ GET A LIFE NOW!! Post budget bargan price of £49.99, inflated from £14.99: Available at selected Argos stores, while stocks last!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✯◠‿◠) Worrying that people who cant even guide a shopping trolley without ramming it up ur backside then get into a car!!!! We're ALL DOOMED!!!(✯◠‿◠) (❀◠‿◠) Jim said "My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her so I hit her over the head with my Xbox" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠... That awkward moment when someone ’s comment on your facebook status has more likes than your actual status.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 　 (❀◠‿◠) I was gonna start living my LIFE ON THE EDGE, but before I got there I tripped and fell off!! (❀◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠)Amazing fact about women: they can see the hair of a girl on their husband's coat from 20 meters, but cant see a pillar from 2 meters while parking a car! (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠)I wish I was a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. 'Cos how can you be grumpy When the sun shines out your bum! ♥*✿•.¸¸.• (❀◠‿◠) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Boy: "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Girl: "aw that is so sweet" Boy: " because it looks like your face got the full impact!" (❀◠‿◠) ....that awkward moment when you realize you're dreaming and try to wake up, but can't... because you're not asleep! (❀◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Good way to find out if your friends are idiots. TEXT them to call your phone 'cos you've lost it and see what happens...⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠)Man says to his wife "Ya know what honey, you're the double of Cheryl Cole". She says "Awwww, thats lovely, am I really?" He says "Aye, definitely, she's 8 stone and ur I6 stone"(✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I wouldn't say that she was ugly but when she went to get a face-lift the surgeon LIFTED it saw what was underneath and PUT IT BACK AGAIN!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠)I have a shovel, rope, duct tape and a map of the dessert .... so, WHO WANTS TO PISS ME OFF TODAY? (✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠JIM SAID: She asked me if she was the first woman that I'd been romantic with, and then a minute later she slapped my face! I don't know why, all I said was - "You could be - your face looks vaguely familiar!" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb?OMG! Who wants to know!? Who's asking questions? I never touched it, honest guv it wasnt me!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Dee is currently reading other statuses, but your status is important to me. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 5hr 17 min ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✯◠‿◠)　When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.(✯◠‿◠) 　 (❀◠‿◠) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture. ♥*✿•.¸¸.• (❀◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) If the ocean were vodka and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's not vodka, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and lets get p*ssed up!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ (✿◠_◠) Exercise programme 4 gym dodgers: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. VOILA .... AEROBIX (✿◠_◠) 　 (✯◠‿◠)Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo! (✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)Actually, according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution …..(✯◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) A man was sitting on a bus chewing gum and staring vacantly into space. Suddenly the old woman sitting opposite him said, "It's no good you talking to me young man, I'm stone deaf." ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐That awkward moment when someone shares your link, and theirs gets 25 LIKES and urs has NONE┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled "LSD"?Granny replies, "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠)There was a little druggie, sat in a buggie, smoking a a pipe of weed, along came a spider and sat down beside her and sold her some acid and speed (✿◠‿◠) (★◠‿◠)Don't complain of being stung by the thorn of the rose. Nobody wants to hear about your little prick!! (★◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) Man goes to the Doctors with an hearing problem. Dr. says "Can you describe the symptoms" - "Yeh sure, Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!" (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠)My mate asked if I could help make a ballerina outfit for his daughter, I didn't know where to start but I put tu and tu together! (✿◠‿◠) ♥ Put ♥ This ♥ On ♥ Your ♥ Status ♥ If ♥ You ♥ Know ♥ Someone ♥ Who ♥ Needs ♥ a ♥ SLAP ♥ But ♥ Not ♥ Just ♥ Any ♥ Slap ♥ a ♥ REALLY ♥ BIG ♥ Slap ♥ With ♥ a ♥ Really ♥ Big ♥ Shovel ♥　 ★◠‿◠) If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?(★◠‿◠) ★*.¸.*★Come * Take* A ✯Trip *.¸.*To.•*¨`*•My.•*¨`*•Wonderland * Let's .•*¨`*•Spread *.¸.*Our *Wings .•*¨`*• And*.¸.* Fly * Away ★*.¸.*★ 　 (★◠‿◠)Don't complain of being stung by the thorn of the rose. Nobody wants to hear about your little prick!! (★◠‿◠) ✿◠‿◠)I feel like a 25-year-old. But there's never one around when you need one is there? (✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠So I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in a shop window that said "Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full". I thought: "I can’t turn that down"!!!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (｡◕‿◕)I'm never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken (｡‿◕｡) (✿◠‿◠)I tried to join a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to f*ck off (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠)Kids, when I was your age we had one phone in the house, it was in the living room, attached by a wire at the side of the TV, so that everyone could listen. There were only 3 TV channels, and cartoons were only on a Saturday morning and the only social networking we had was called 'outside'!! (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) Was going to apply for a job as a trainee juggler, but I didn't have the balls to try it.(✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower (✿◠‿◠) 　 ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses have wilted, The violets are dead, The sugar bowl is empty, And so is your head!! haha ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥　 　 (≧◡≦) If you love someone set them on fire!! Oh sh*t, did I get that right? Oh Nooooooo, what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one, the fire engines on its way! (≧◡≦) (≧◡≦) NEVER did understand why DICK is short for Richard! Poor Richard, lolzzz! (≧◡≦) (✿◠‿◠)"You have to stay in shape. Take my grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is!!! (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) If ignorance is bliss then some peeps must be ORGASMIC!! (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) Woman goes to bed clutching a duck. As she pulls the blanket over her head she says "This is the pig I'm sleeping with tonight" Her husband looks at her and says "That's not a pig, it's a duck". She replies "I think you'll find I WAS talking to the duck!"(✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) Been there ~ Seen it ~ Done it ~ Bought the t-shirt ~ trouble is, it didnt fit!!!! (✿◠‿◠) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one & it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public & start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Japanese scientists have created a camera with such speed that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 　 (✿◠‿◠) "If the shoe fits - buy them in EVERY colour"(✿◠‿◠) ⏠⏝⏠⎠After 30 years of marriage to Florence, Jim the plumber left his wife. The note on the kitchen table simply read "It's over Flo".⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠) ⎠My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay, oh no, he has alzheimer's and thought it was the car.٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠) If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring only one thing, what would it be? For those of you who didn't say a boat, enjoy ur island. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Guy was in the pub with his wife & said: "I LUV U" She said: "Aw, is that u or the beer talking?" He replied: "Oh it's me alright ..... talking to the beer! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠" Tom, I ain't a pussy-person. When people look at me, they don't think 'cat', they think 'dog'" ~ Linda La Hughes (Gimme Gimme Gimme) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If you have a headache, follow this advice on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ (✿◠‿◠)There Once was a Man called Reg, Who Went with a girl in a Hedge, Along came his wife, With a big Carving Knife, And cut off his meat and two veg!! OUCH! (✿◠‿◠) Sometimes I hear voices in YOUR head (✿◠‿◠) Social worker: "All I want to know Vicky is where is your baby?"Vicky Pollard: "Doh, I swapped it for a Westlife CD"Social worker: "Oh my God, how could you?"Vicky Pollard: "I know, they're rubbish aint they" ~ Little Britain (✿◠‿◠) ✿◠‿◠)Just remember: if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off !! (✿◠‿◠) 　 (✿◠‿◠) Beware the disease Idiotitis. Causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands affected. May be contagious. Best defense: slap and run. (✿◠‿◠) 　　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch..... AMEN ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✿◠‿◠)If brandy makes you randy, whisky makes you frisky, and gin makes you sin, what does vodka do? (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) "All the world is a stage" ... things is, I've gone and lost the script!!! (✿◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.(✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠) Woman asks her husband "Can we go out somewhere really expensive tonight honey?" ~ "Sure darling" ~ So he took her to the petrol station (✯◠‿◠) 　 (✯◠‿◠)Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came outside, he kissed them too cause he was bi... (✯◠‿◠) 　 (✯◠‿◠)I went to see my doctor. "Doc, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?" He said "I haven't the foggiest idea, but your eyesights perfect."(✯◠‿◠) •*¨★¨*• ☆ It's not the SIZE of your w♦a♦n♦d *• ☆•* but the M*A*G*I*C in the stick that counts!!•*¨★¨*• ☆ (✯◠‿◠) "Mummy, mummy, dont u think its about time I started to wear a bra, now I'm 16?" ....... Mum: "no, its not David!" (✯◠‿◠) 　 •*¨★¨*•(♥◠‿◠)Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble, give a whistle, And this'll help things turn out for the best...AND ....Always look on the bright side of life... (♥◠‿◠)•*¨★¨*• 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Why do people say "It's always in the last place you look?" Why would u keep looking after you've found it?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Little Jimmy says to his mum "When I grow up I want to be a man" Mum says "Haha, don't be silly sweetheart, you can't do both" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠　 (✯◠‿◠)Anyone who pays to see a shrink needs to have their head examined !! ☆*´¯`* ★ (✿◠‿◠)Will try anything once, and twice if it's GOOD!! (✿◠‿◠)☆*´¯`* ★ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Can anybody help? I need to think of another term for 'cash machine', but cant think of any atm ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (✯◠‿◠)Why do peeps always say "do you fancy a NICE cup of tea?" ~ As opposed to what exactly?? (✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour (✯◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Guy asks wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says: "I'd take half and leave you" Husband: " Perfect! I've won £10, here's a fiver now f**k off! 　 ☀•¨¯`•.¸¸.Follow ♥ •¨¯`•the .¸¸.☆Yellow •¨¯`•.Brick¸¸.♥•.Road ¸¸.☆ ☀* 　 (✿◠‿◠) We can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.(✿◠‿◠) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I thought to myself that I could never post a status message regarding my mental disorder,But then a little voice told me, "sure you can hunni, ask the toaster" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (◡‿◡✿) Apparently, Charlie Sheen wants $30 million an episode for Two and a Half Men…WTF!!!? Is he on drugs or something? (◡‿◡✿) 　 ✿☆✯•¨¯`• Don’t fight with the pillow, but lay down your head, And kick every worriment out of your bed! ~~ off to recharge, Nite ALL Zzzz¨¯`•✿☆✯ (≧◡≦) My mate was crushed to death underneath the coffee machine at work!!! At least it was instant !!!(≧◡≦) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Terrorists are now planting bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti. If one of them explodes it could spell disaster!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ✯☽★Hush little baby don't say a word And never mind that noise you heard It's just the beasts under your bed In your closet and in your head ✯ Nite peeps, dont have nightmares, lolzzzzz✯☽★ (≧◡≦)There was a little druggie, sat in a buggie, smoking a pipe of weed, along came a spider and sat down beside her and sold her some acid and speed (≧◡≦) (✿◠‿◠) If the ocean were vodka and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's not vodka, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and lets get p*ssed up!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ (✿◠_◠) Exercise programme 4 gym dodgers: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. VOILA .... AEROBIX (✿◠_◠) 　 (✯◠‿◠)Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo! (✯◠‿◠) (✯◠‿◠)Actually, according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution …..(✯◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠) A man was sitting on a bus chewing gum and staring vacantly into space. Suddenly the old woman sitting opposite him said, "It's no good you talking to me young man, I'm stone deaf." (*^ -^*) "You're going to need a bigger boat!" ~ Jaws (*^ -^*) ✫.•*¨`*•✫.I'm Too Young to be THIS old✫.•*¨`*•✫. (❉◠‿◠) ¿noʎ uɐɔ ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ (❉◠‿◠) (❉◠‿◠)I'm a little bit p*ssed off today cos no-one wished me a happy birthday ~~ just as well I guess, cos it's not actually my birthday (❉◠‿◠) 　 ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Just back from the Hospital, doctors reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, but it's really hard to say ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ (❉◠‿◠) Little Tommy with a grin, drank up all his daddy's gin. Mummy said, when he was plastered, "go to bed you little b&$%£$d"(❉◠‿◠) ✯☽★ Starlight ★ Starbright ☆ First star I see tonight ★ I wish I may ★ I wish I might ☆ have the Wish I Wish tonight ★ Nite All, Starry Dreamzzzz 2 u ALL. ✯☽★ ♥✯☽★ This service is no longer available but u can leave a message at: WWW/GONETOBED.COM.NITE ALL Zzzz ♥✯☽★ (★◠‿◠)Just to clarify matters "Yes I WAS dropped on my head as a baby" (★◠‿◠) •*¨`*• The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.•*¨`*• 　 (✿◠‿◠) Forecast for tonight: DARK (✿◠‿◠) 　 ¯\(©¿©)/¯ Fluent in SARCASM!!!!!! ¯\(©¿©)/¯ •*¨❉¨*•Time for some shut-eye, with lush dreams til morning, so toodlepip peeps, I'm yawning, I'm yawning •*¨❉¨*•¯`✫´¯) ☆ ☆•*¨`*•Reality •*¨`*•used * to * be * a * friend * of * mine •*¨`*•☆ ☆ 　 (✿◠‿◠) So many stupid people; so few asteroids.(✿◠‿◠) (✖‿✖ )Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary ... (✖‿✖ ) ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠(✖‿✖ )REPEAT POST cos I find if FUNNY *sticks tongue out* >> "I used to hate it at weddings when old aunts come up to me, prod me and cackle "You're next" ~ They soon stopped doing that though when I started doing the same to them at funerals!" ⎝(✖‿✖ )⏠⏝⏠⎠

☼ ☀☽You're getting sleepy. You're getting VEREEE sleeeeeeeeeeepy ... oops, nup that's me ~ I'm getting sleepy, very very sleeeeeepy Zzzzzzzz ☼ ☀☽

♪♫Who the hell u calling crazy? You wouldnt know what crazy was, If Charles Manson was eating fruit loops, On your front porch ♪♫


(✯◠‿◠) YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!!!! Explains why I'm a bit nutty, and always full of beans, lol !!!!(✯◠‿◠)

(✿ ♥‿♥) I dont believe in all that Astrology rubbish ~ Geminis are sceptical like that (✿ ♥‿♥)

(❉◠‿◠) FACEBOOK: Allowing grown women to act like schoolgirls since 2004!!!! (❉◠‿◠)
(✖‿✖ )I Avoid cliches like the plague(✖‿✖ )


(✖‿✖ ) WARNING: Facebook MAY CONTAIN NUTS! (✖‿✖ )

★ *´¯`*☀ "There's no place like Miami, there's no place like Miami" she said clicking her ruby heels together 3 times ~~ Well it worked for Dorothy didnt it? lol ★ *´¯`*☀

(✿◠‿◠) I saw 6 men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "are u going to help?" I said "No way, 6 should be more than enough" (✿◠‿◠)

✯*☽*★Can u hear that?? It's my bed, its calling "jump on in" so I'm off now peeps, cya in the morning, Z z z z z✯*☽*★


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Boy to Dad "Why are wedding dresses always white?" ~ "Well son, thats cos all domestic appliances come in white" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) I saw Suggs walking down my driveway the other day and I thought to myself "This is Madness" (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I know he's dyslexic he's got the biggest CLOCK I've ever seen!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ CHINESE PROVERB: Man who walk thru airport turnstyles sideways going to Bangkok ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠
(✖‿✖ ) What do u get if u cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who's up all night wondering if there's a dog!! (✖‿✖ )

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ "Mummy, Mummy, can I wear a bra now I'm 16?" ~~ "No u cant David" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

✯*☽*★Noodgight Bacefookers, Dweet Sreamz ~ Doors out, cats locked, lights in, oops, u c that's how jiggered I am ~ Zz z z z ✯*☽*★

(✿◠‿◠) Psychiatrist to nurse: "Just say we're very busy, dont keep saying 'it's a madhouse in here'" (✿◠‿◠)


✯¨¯`✯One, two * Freddie's calling for you ★Three, four * Better lock your door ★ Five, six. Grab your crucifix ★ Seven, eight * Gonna stay up late ★ Nine, ten * Never sleep again." ~ NITE PEEPS, Dont have nightmares Z z z z✯¨¯`✯

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate ...

☀ ✯☽★Twinkle twinkle little star, you shine the whole night thru, so I'm off to bed to get some kip and maybe u should too ~~ Nanite peeps Z z z z ☀ ✯☽★

(✿◠‿◠) Julius Caesar, Roman geezer, crushed his nuts, in a lemon squeezer! OUCH!! ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


(✖‿✖ )VIRTUAL INSANITY (✖‿✖ )

I see CRAZY people ... oh wait a minute, oops, it was just the mirror

ಠ_ಠ Oh my Dog! I don't have to worry about paying my mortgage any more. By some dumb luck, I just got an email from a Nigerian Banker telling me a long lost relative has died. All I need to do is send him my account details and I'm set for life!!!!!!

ಠ_ಠ ◕V◕｡)3 Guys are in a cafe, 1st guy says "I have the smallest arm in the world"~2nd guy says "I have the smallest head in the world"~3rd guy says "I have the smallest dick in the world"~They all go to the Guinness Book of World records and wait for it ...The 1st guy comes back + says"I really have the smallest arm in the world"~2nd guy returns and says "I have the smallest head in the world"~3rd guy comes back and angrily says "WHO THE F*CK IS JUSTIN BIEBER"

(⊙_◎) If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse you're lips and whistle,
That's the thing ...
and..... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE"♬♬

You got a heart of glass or a heart of stone?
Just you wait 'til I get you home
We've got no future, we've got no past
Here today, built to last
In every city, in every nation
from Lake Geneva to the Finland station
(How far have you been?) ♪♪♫


(✯◠‿◠)You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater. Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember) ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

cl]'ea,n*in%g m.y k[ey!bo^ar,d

(✯◠‿◠)Go to Google Translate. Set translate from English to Japanese. Type I HATE YOU into the translate box ~ You'll be SURPRISED!
٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠)DON'T .•*¨`*• WORRY .•*¨`*• BE .•*¨`*• A PEA(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Pink shampoo does not eat pumpkins on Fridays cos flying pandas are illegal in south Africa ... but does that make the 3 legged mongoose afraid of the sun? (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I bet you cant write the number 6 with your right hand, slap your bum with your left hand, whilst lifting your leg up and moving it in a circle clockwise? ALL whilst chewing on a table table leg with a banana in your mouth! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(◕V◕｡) The elephant is a pretty bird
It swings from bow to bow
It builds its nest in a Rhubard Tree,
And whistles like a cow (◕V◕｡)

(✿◠‿◠)I'm not a proctologist, but i know an asshole when I see one. (✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on her marriage and the Queen said "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✯◠‿◠)"Dad, what does 'gay' mean?" "It means 'to be happy'." "Are you gay Dad?" "No, son. I'm married." (✯◠‿◠)

♫ ♬ ¤´¯`¤ Tonight is the night to join me in the middle of ECSTASY ¤´¯`¤ Feel the melody in the rhythm of the music around you, around you ♫ ♬ ¤´¯`¤

3 idiots escaped from the mental hospital today. The first was seen eating a table in Greggs. The second was seen drinking water in the "mens", and the third was seen reading this status!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠3 nuns sitting on a bench when a bloke in a trenchcoat comes up and flashes at them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✯◠‿◠)They say a flower can 't symbolize love, but a rose did. They say a plant can't live without water, but a cactus did. They say retards can't read, but hey, look at you! (✯◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ "I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs - like customs officers!!!" Jack Dee ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do!!(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) An old chap, all hunched over on crutches, hobbled over to the ice cream van. The girl looked on sympathetically as he made his way slowly to the counter and ordered a banana split. "Crushed nuts?" she asked. "No my dear, arthritis"! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Bob said "I was cleaning the attic out the other day with the wife.... filthy, dirty and covered in cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids!!

☀ ★ G☺☺D Nĭtě ☽☀ ★ sωέέt dяέαms ☽☀ ★

⎠⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I'm finally holding all the cards in life and what does everyone else go and do?? Play Chess instead!!!!!

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep, Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat♪♪♫

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun ~ You were saying????? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) A priest and a Hindu are making toast. The priest exclaims "Look there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!" The Hindu replies "I can't believe its not Budda!" (✿◠‿◠) 　

★´´¯`*○ ☆ ○*´¯`★ Come take a trip to my wonderland ★ Let's spread our wings and fly away >>>> ★´´¯`*○ ☆ ○*´¯`★

(✿◠‿◠) WARNING!!!! On a bad day, I have mood "swings" - but on a good day, I have the whole "playground" (✿◠‿◠)

☽★ •¨¯`•☽★ Yawn *yawn *yawn *yawn ~~ Beauty sleep awaits ~ This may take a while, haha, Nitey nite folks Z z z☽★ •¨¯`•☽★

｡◕‿◕｡◕V◕｡) "Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me' that and 'I'm not worthy'" ~~~ God, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (◕V◕｡)

(◕V◕｡) He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! ~~ Monty Python's Life of Brian (◕V◕｡)

(⊙▂⊙) Hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really DID WANT TO KNOW! I HATE that ~ Hang on a minute, I gotta go pee (⊙▂⊙)

┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐I reckon that in the right light, at the right angle, and if you squint & stand on one leg, I might actually look like I give a sh*t!!!┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

(✖‿✖ )If the shoe fits ......... get another one just like it!! (✖‿✖ )

Being "ALMOST" vegetarian is like being a "little bit pregnant" ~ u either are or u aren't ~ SIMPLES!! ‹(•¿•)›
Whatever you do, don't fall asleep ~ Nightmare on Elm Street

｡◕‿◕｡Wrap me in clingfilm and slap me with a cucumber!!!!!! ｡◕‿◕｡

†★ "I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubble gum." ~ They Live-1988 இ†★go


☆•¨¯`☆ It's raining, it's pouring, I'm knackered now I'm yawning, so I'm off to bed to rest my head and I''ll cyall in the morning!! Nitey nite peeps!! *.¸.*☆

(✿◠‿◠)It has been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed. My dog is full of useful information like that.(✿◠‿◠)

“Ignorance is a lot like alcohol: the more you have of it, the less you are able to see its effect on you.”

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Paddy and Mick are sat at the airport when Mick says "I wish I'd brought the television" Paddy asks "Why? Are you bored?" "No, the passports are on top of it"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of OAPS when an old lady taps him on the shoulder and offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she does the same again. When she's about to hand him another batch, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied."We just love the chocolate around them." ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I don't have OCD. I've read 13,253 books on the subject so I should know!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *BEEP* Price: £24.99 ،،

¯\(©؟©)/¯ Sometimes the 'majority' only means that ALL the fools are on the same side!¯\(©؟©)/¯

(✿◠‿◠) I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, I only went out for a bag of chips, but I got shot in the dangly bits!! lol (✿◠‿◠)

(❉◠‿◠)Today I went to Specsavers for an eye test, and guess who I bumped into??? ............ Everybody!!!! (❉◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A 9 year old boy goes into a pub and says to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." She says "You're just a kid do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a few years," replied the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶
(✿◠‿◠) Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but underneath these clothes I'm NAKED(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I'm Multi-tasking like a demented squirrel on speed - but it's ok, I'm a woman, I CAN do handstands at the same time!!!!! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ English teacher wrote on blackboard "I aint had no fun in ages" then asked "How do I correct this?" Little boy replies "Get yourself a new fella Miss"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠
،،
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Two blondes walking down the street, one says "Awww!! Look at that dog with one eye" So the other one puts her hand over her eye and says "Where?" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I went to a Karaoke bar last night and was disappointed that they didnt play any 70's disco music. At first I was afraid .... I was petrified⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠
،،
(✖‿✖ ) My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said "at the end of this ruler is an idiot!" I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to (✖‿✖ )

(@‿@) Little pigeon in the sky, Dropping things from way up high. Angry farmer wipes his eye, So very glad that cows don't fly! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

(@‿@) Woman's in bed with husbands best friend when the phone rings. After hanging up, she turns to her lover and says "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!!

،، (@‿@) What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything!(@‿@)

(❉◠‿◠)Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny!!!!(❉◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Woman stands naked in front of her husband and says "I feel all fat and ugly, pay me a compliment" So he says "Your eyesight's perfect darling" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)There once was a man from Winsocket. Who road into town on a Rocket. The force from the blast, blew his balls up his @$$ and his pecker was found in his pocket.(✿◠‿◠)
،، ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I geep ketting fy wucking mords fuddled up!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ If you're going eastbound down a southbound river in a 4 door canoe and your left front tyre goes flat, how many flapjacks would it take to fill an outhouse?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(◕V◕｡)"What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?" - Eddie Izzard (◕V◕｡)

(@‿@)Mr. Tickle met the love of his life. His girlfriend, Tess, said she'd marry him, so long as she didn't have to take his last name (@‿@)

(✯◠‿◠) It's very impotent that you always remember to spell check (✯◠‿◠)
(@‿@) I told u b4, it's not my fault I can't handle responsibility!

(✿◠‿◠)Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you've got the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.(✿◠‿◠)

(@‿@)My inferiority complex aint nearly as good as yours! ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ ٩(-̮ -̃)۶

،،
(✖‿✖ ) Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.(✖‿✖ )

(❉◠‿◠)ICE BANK MICE ELF(❉◠‿◠)

★ I feel so sorry for peeps who dont have animals in their lives, how empty their lives must be, I just CANNOT imagine life without the love of my furbabies ~ we love, we lose, but there will ALWAYS be animals in my life ★

❈¸.•♥*´¯`❈Just ☽*´¯`*★Visiting ❈★•¨¯`•✯ this ❈¸.•♥*´¯`❈Planet ☽*´¯`*★

¯\(©؟©)/¯ Subj: FUCK! Our most versatile word. By its stress and inflection it can describe many emotions. It can be used as a noun (I don't give a fuck), as an objective (it's fucked), as a
verb in it's transitive form (the game was fucked up by
the weather), and it's intransitive form (I'll be fucked),
in the present tense (I'm fucked), in the past tense (I
was fucked).
Many everyday expresions show it's true versatility ...
Denial: I didn't fucking do it
Perplexity: I know fuck all about it
Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
Greetings: How the fuck are you
Resignation: Oh fuck it
Derision: He fucks everything up
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you
Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here
Directions: Fuck off
Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression: FUCK YOU!
Disgust: Fuck me.
Confusion: What the fuck.......?
Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
Despair: Fucked again...
Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
Lost: Where the fuck are we.
Disbelief: UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!

Subj: Twenty Famous Uses Of The "F" Word In History
The word has been used throughout history by many famous
people. Some of the more notable quotations are:
What the fuck was that
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all the fucking Indians
-- General Custer
Where's all that fucking water come from
-- Noah
Any fucker can understand that
-- Einstien
It fucking looks like her
-- Picasso
Where the fuck are we
-- Christopher Columbus
I'm forever blowing bubbles
-- Michael Jackson
How the fuck do you work that out
-- Pythagarus
You want what on the fucking ceiling
-- Michael Angelo
Fuck a duck
-- Walt Disney
Why? Because it's fucking there
-- Sir Edmond Hillary
I don't suppose it's fucking raining
-- Joan of Arc
I didn't want to fucking go anyway
-- Sebastian Coe
I haven't got a fucking clue
-- Miss Marples
Scattered showers my fucking arse
-- Noah
She wants how much fucking money?!?!?
-- Donald Trump
Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!
-- Orville Reddenbacher
We'll fucking smoke those fuckers out of their fucking caves!
-- George W. Bush ¯\(©؟©)/¯


☽*´¯`★☽YESSSS I have balls ........... {PAUSE) ............. but they're crystal *wink* ~ Blessed Be ☽*´¯`★☽

(✿◠‿◠)I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) HOW to LOOK good *N*A*K*E*D!!! (✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Dear God, all I ask for in 2013 is a big fat bank account and a slim body. Plz dont mix it up like you did last year.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Japanese scientists have created a camera with such speed that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Dee is currently reading other statuses, but your status is important to me. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 5hr 17 min ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(✿◠‿◠) Old enough to know better and young enough not to give a rats arse!! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Sign In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)If you're talking behind my back then you're in a good position to KISS MY ASS!٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ (̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(◕V◕｡)MIRROR MIRROR on the wall who's the MADDEST of them all ??? (◕V◕｡)

(✿◠‿◠) "Don't pet the sweaty things" ~~ OOPS >>> I mean "don't sweat the petty things" (✿◠‿◠)


☀ ✯☽★I'm really really tired now, my bed is calling me, but why dont u just jump on in and join me virtually!! Nite nite peeps, Z z z z ☀ ✯☽★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠2 blondes are sitting on opposite sides of a river bank, one says "How do I get to the other side?" The other says "you ARE on the other side, doh!!" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


✯¨¯`✯ She just goes a little mad sometimes✯¨¯`✯ We all go a little mad sometimes ✯¨¯`✯ Haven't you?" ✯¨¯`✯ PSYCHO ✯¨¯`✯


(✿◠‿◠)Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, damn, you're good. Fool me four times…expect a drive-by! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠RHYTHM IS A DANCER? So what, VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) ♪♪I'm bringing SEXY BACK♪♪ To the shops for a refund, lol (✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) "FLASH by name, FLASH by nature, WHOOOSH" ~ Flash B'stard, Blackadder (✿◠‿◠)
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb?

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠After bypass surgery patient asked: can I MAKE LOVE regularly? Doc: Yes, but only with your wife. Your heart is not in a state to bear any excitement!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Just read an article about a man who'd beaten his wife with a saucepan in the kitchen ..... it's a damn sick world we live in. ....... What the hell was he doing in the kitchen? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Z z z z z z I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.Z z z z z

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

✯•*´¯`°✯★*.¸.*★TOO * SKOOL * FOR * COOL ✯•*´¯`°✯★*.¸.*★ 　

✯•*´¯`°✯★You're never too old to learn something stupid ✯•*´¯`°✯★

(✿◠‿◠)Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. (✿◠‿◠)
*
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one & it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public & start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Broken guitar free to good home ~ Honestly, no strings attached ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

✿◠‿◠) If ignorance is bliss then some peeps must be ORGASMIC!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Age is just a number? Yeah? Right, and Prison is just a hotel ~~ come to think of it, that last bit might just be true!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away!!٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

☀ ✯☽★ Little Miss Muffet sat on a buffet,
Messing about on Facebook,
But it got really late,
And her bed wouldnt wait,
So to Facebook she had to say "stuff it"!! ...NITE All sweet dreamzz! ☀ ✯☽★

(◕V◕｡) TRUTH hurts, but there again, so does a smack in the face !!!!! (◕V◕｡)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A postman sees a boy with a huge dog. "Does your dog bite" asked the mailman "No" said the boy, and the dog started to bite the postmans leg. "You said he doesnt bite!!" yells the postman. "That's not MY dog" replies the boy!!ಠ_ಠ

٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ A woman walks into a chemists and asks if they sell extra-large condoms "Yes we do" she says " Would u like to buy some?" "No thanks, but do you mind if I wait here till someone does" ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠) She stood on the bridge at midnight;
her lips were all a-quiver.
She gave a cough,
her t*ts dropped off
and floated down the river! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)You know you're getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I'm Multi-tasking like a demented squirrel on speed - but it's ok, I'm a woman, I CAN do handstands at the same time too, lol !!!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✯◠_◠) ¤.¸.¤ ¯`°¤.¸.¤ "Just tell yourself, Duckie, you're really quite lucky!" Dr. Seuss ¤.¸.¤ ¯`°¤.¸.¤ (✯◠_◠)

(❀◠‿◠) ☀ I wish I was a glow worm ☀ A glow worm's never glum ☀ Cos how can you be grumpy ☀ When the sun shines out your bum!☀ (❀◠‿◠)

★¸¸.☆.¸¸ . ✶*¨*.Ashes* to* Ashes☀ Dust* to* Dust ☀ Life's* too *short ☀ So* P•A•R•T•Y *we *MUST!!★¸¸.☆.¸¸ . ✶*¨

There was a little druggie, sat in a buggie, smoking a a pipe of weed, along came a spider and sat down beside her and sold her some acid and speed

It's not size of wand that counts but the magic in the stick

✿*´¯`* ☀ The sun can kiss the moon goodbye☀ A flower can kiss a butterfly✿ Wine can kiss a frosted glass☀ But you my friend can kiss my ass!! ✿

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Somebody mysteriously came in my garden last night, dug three massive holes and filled them with water~~~ "Well, well, well" ... ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


I SEE STUPID PEOPLE!!!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ 　

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Somebody stole my identity last week. Today, they showed up at my door and PLEADED for me to take it back⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled "LSD"?Granny replies, "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠We use 300muscles to keep our balance when we stand. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. A woman has read this entire post but a man is still looking at his thumb! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

☆•¨¯`•* Roses are blue, violets are red, my head's gone all squiffy, so I'm off to bed!!!!! Nite all, sweet wunz!! ¨¯`•.¸¸.♥•.¸¸.☆


GET A LIFE NOW!! Was £24.99, reduced to £19.99: Available at selected Argos stores, while stocks last!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠PUT DOWNS: "10 million sperm and u were the fastest"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

•*¨★¨*•(♥◠‿◠)Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble, give a whistle, And this'll help things turn out for the best...AND ....Always look on the bright side of life... (♥◠‿◠)•*¨★¨*•


(✿◠‿◠)There Once was a Man called Reg, Who Went with a girl in a Hedge, Along came his wife, With a big Carving Knife, And cut off his meat and two veg!!(✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


✯☽★Exit light ~
Enter Night *
Take my hand! ~
We're off to NEVER NEVER-LAND ~ NITE ALL Z z z ✯☽★

♪♪♫Hush little baby don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beasts under your bed
In your closet and in your head♪♪♫

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to you ALL eventually ~ please form an orderly queue! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Whats the difference between a woman with PMS & a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)Mary, Mary quite contrary, Watched her garden thrive. The cops found the seed of a very odd weed; Now she's doing a stretch of five (✿◠‿◠)


⏠⏝⏠⎠ Say out loud " ALPHA KENNY BODY" ~~~ haha, yeh, so the rumour's true!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ Quick, call me a Witch Doctor, My WITCH is sick!!!! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Teacher wrote on blackboard "I aint had no fun in ages" then asked "How do I correct this?" Little boy replies "Get a new boyfriend"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✯◠‿◠) STALK YOU??? Why would you even think that I could stalk someone like you?? Oh, by the way, you're out of bread (✯◠‿◠)



☼ ☀☽ Lights out, cats in, doors locked, Don't have nightmares, NITE ALL Z z z z z z ☽ ☼ ☀☽


✯*☽*★ Hi Ho, Hi Ho,
It's off to bed I go,
With a duvet and a dream
And ME in between,
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho
.....Nite all Sweet DreamZzzzzz ★*.¸.*★


(✿◠‿◠)You* know you're *getting old, when Santa *starts looking *younger(✿◠‿◠)

☆•*¨`*•☆It's *beginning to* cost a lot like *Christmas* everywhere I *go!☆•*¨`*•☆

(✿◠‿◠)I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my boyfriend to go swimming." (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I went to a Karaoke bar last night and was disappointed that they didnt play any 70's disco music. At first I was afraid .... I was petrified ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠)Ever stop to think and forget to start again? (✿◠‿◠).

(✿◠‿◠)Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Woman goes to bed clutching a duck. As she pulls the blanket over her head she says "This is the pig I'm sleeping with tonight" Her husband looks at her and says "That's not a pig, it's a duck". She replies "I think you'll find I WAS talking to the duck!"(✿◠‿◠)

Things that make you go "Hmmmm" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ You're in ur car and u see a CHAV on a bike. Why should you try NOT to hit him?? Cos, it might be your bike!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Why are CHAVS like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠.... joking, haha :)٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


(✿◠‿◠) 'cause you know what'll happen Raymond, don't you - it'll be your cock up - my arse! DI Grim, Thin Blue Line(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked "For men Only" - "I'm sorry ma'am" says the bartender "but we only serve men in this place! - "Oh, thats ok, I'll take TWO!!! (✿◠‿◠)

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 peeps in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Ting. But I think its probably Colin! (✿◠‿◠)


✯*☽*★ I'm off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Ozzzzzzz z z z z z z. Nite nite peeps ✯*☽*★

✯☽★ Hi ho, hi ho, its off to bed I go, with a duvet and a dream and ME in between, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho ~ NITE ALL Z z z zz ✯☽★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't even have a bike!"٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


(✿◠‿◠)Happy Easter from the Alzheimer's Club. Just in case, merry new year, have a fab 1965. Avoid the rush, do Xmas shopping now. Happy birthday! Your Valentine! What year is it again?? And WHO THE HELL AM I?? (✿◠‿◠)


*´¯`★ NOODGIGHT BACEFOOKERS: Ue to Dan obvious echnical terror this wall is clow nosed for 8 hours due to mite saintenance: Dweet Sreamzz ○*´¯`★

(✿◠‿◠) My idea of HELL: A night of chickflicks ~ Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, followed by the The Bodyguard ~ I'd rather lobotomise myself, haha (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The average male is 98% chimpanzee, the other 2% isn’t that smart, haha, dont take it personally guys, ITS A JOKE remember what they are???⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠



(✿◠‿◠) My idea of HELL: A night of chickflicks ~ Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, followed by the The Bodyguard ~ I'd rather lobotomise myself, haha (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠The average male is 98% chimpanzee, the other 2% isn’t that smart, haha, dont take it personally guys, ITS A JOKE remember what they are???⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


BETTER TO BE PISSED OFF THAN PISSED ON!!!


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ If you really want to get stoned - drink wet cement!!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A man with an alligator went into a bar and asked the barman "Do u serve lawyers here?" "Yes" he said. "Good, I'll have a beer and my 'gator will have a lawyer!!

~✲~ If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!~✲~ 　

(✿◠‿◠) I'm NOT getting old, I'm increasing in value (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.(✿◠‿◠)

★*´¯`☆ Last one on Bacefook dont forget to: lock up * lights out * cats in. Nite nite peeps zzzz ★*´¯`☆

☆•¨¯`•*☆* Powered ♥ by F*A*I*R*Y ♥ D*U*S*T ☆•¨¯`•*☆•

(✿◠‿◠) I'm NOT getting old, I'm increasing in value (✿◠‿◠)*¨★


(✿◠‿◠) I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you ... apparently the more you have the longer you live.(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Confucius says : Woman who wear wonderbra make mountains out of molehills(✿◠‿◠) 　

(✿◠‿◠)What if there were no hypothetical questions? (✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down t'mill, and pay t'mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah ~~ Monty Python(✿◠‿◠)

★*.♫ .*★Everybody says I gotta get a grip, but I let sanity give me the slip ~~ Some people fink I'm bonkers, but I just fink I'm free ... man, I'm just living my life there's nothing crazey about meeeeee♫ ♫ ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(◕V◕｡)Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. He tried again and again while a couple of birds watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate:"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

(◕V◕｡) Ann was having a nap on New Year's Eve. After she woke up, she told her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means? "Ah, you'll know tonight,' he said,smiling broadly.At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, he handed her a small package. Delighted, she opened it quickly. There in her hand was a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.


ACHOOOOO!!!" *sneezes*........If you're allergic to bullshit, drama, games, liars, & fake people keep this sneeze going.... ♥
⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ How come SUPERGLUE never actually sticks the intended object, but you ALWAYS manage to glue ur fingers together? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of gravel, work a twenty five hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!! MONTY PYTHON⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snort-in, Bin Deal-in and Bin Thieving - there is no sign of Bin Work-in⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid - DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a Korma, the other's got a dogdgy Tikka⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.


In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Why do people say "It's always in the last place you look?" Why would u keep looking after you've found it?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who is an IDIOT. Idiots affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for stupidity, but we can raise awareness. 93% wont copy and paste this, many because they're too stupid to know how to copy and paste. Will YOU make this your status for at least one hour?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Have u seen the movie "Constipated" - Thought not, it hasn't come out yet⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠40 yrs since man "allegedly" landed on the moon, and they still cant put a toilet seat down ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. She didnt say that, but I know she's thinking it.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I went to a Karaoke bar last night and was disappointed that they didnt play any 70's disco music. At first I was afraid .... I was petrified⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Woman stands naked in front of her husband and says "I feel all fat and ugly, pay me a compliment" So he says "Your eyesight's perfect darling" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(✿◠‿◠) I put "IDIOT" into my satnav for a laugh to see what happened, and guess what? Put the kettle on, I'm outside yours!! (✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Two blondes walking down the street, one says "Awww!! Look at that dog with one eye" So the other one puts her hand over her eye and says "Where?" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ This is a stick-up... give me ALL your FUNNY!! ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Paddy and Mick are sat at the airport hen Mick says "I wish I'd brought the television" Paddy asks "Why? Are you bored?" "No, the passports are on top of it"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I dream of a better world ...... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If your parents never had children, the chances are that you won't either ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Average p*nis in England is 6 inches, USA 3.5 inches, Iceland 8 inches. Thats why mums go to Iceland⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I only took 2 hours to read "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" yesterday, I know its only 7 words, but I was really proud of myself⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A bloke with 2 gold balls in his pocket sits beside a blonde. She keeps staring at his crotch so he says "golf balls!!!!" She replies "Aw, does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Paddy's in a disco and asks a girl "Fancy coming back to my place for a bit of nookie" She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle" "Great" says Paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow u home⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Little girl's sat in hairdressers eating a cake. A lady said "Little girl, ur gonna get hair on ur muffin" Girl replies "Yeh, I know, DOH, I'm gonna grow boobs too!!! " ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Mick and Paddy were doing a crossword. Murphy asks "How do u spell paint?" Paddy replies "Which colour?"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Did u hear about the blonde girl applied for a job? Where it said "emergency contact number" she wrote 999⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I geep ketting fy wucking mords fuddled up!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Just found out that if you say "gullible" REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like oranges!!!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Can't believe it, all those years of phone sex has finally caught up with me. I've got hearing AIDS!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I9 Irish men walk into the cinema and the lady asks them "Why are there so many of you?" Mick said "well the film says over I8 only "⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


✿✿What if there were no hypothetical questions? ✿✿


Guy has 6 children + was v. proud of his achievement.He was so proud of himself that he called his wife, 'Mother of 6', in spite of her objections.One night they went to a party. Near home time he wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of 6?"His wife, irritated by this shouted back, "Anytime ur ready, Father of 4!"


(✿◠‿◠)Mary had a baby bear,
That followed her behind,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She had a bear behind.(✿◠‿◠)


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I was walking home last night when this CHAV jumped out and drew a knife on me. Damn numpty used permanent marker and it was bugger to wash off!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Good way to find out if your friends are idiots. TEXT them to call your phone 'cos you've lost it and see what happens...⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I was talking to an old Red Indian man the other day and I asked him what his wife was called "Five horses" he replied. "What does that mean in English?" I asked. "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG" He said. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Birdy, birdy in the sky,
Done a poopy in my eye,
I did not flinch,
I did not cry,
I just thank God that cows dont fly!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Blonde and brunette walking down the street, the brunette says "Oh, look at the dead bird". The blonde looks up to the sky and asks "Where?"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I was driving down the road doing some knitting at the same time when a policeman shouted "pull over, pull over" I shouted back "No, mate, its a scarf"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Little Jimmy says to his mum "When I grow up I want to be a man" Mum says "Haha, don't be silly, you can't do both" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Last night I banged my head just before going to bed, so I put some margarine on it. The bump was still there when I woke. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BETTER ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ In Britain, some 50 Chavs die every single week from drinking too much Tesco own brand Vodka. Oh well, EVERY LITTE HELPS!!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶Why did the chicken go to the pub toilet? ..cos thats where all the c*cks hang out ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠If you have one green ball in each hand, what do you have? Kermit the Frog's undivided attention⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


Man says to his wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole". She said "Am I really?" He says "Aye, definitely, she's 8 stone and ur I6 stone"


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken ran up and shouted "I wouldn't do that mate, you'll never hear the end of it!!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Lady in restaurant: "I'll have a QUICKIE please" Waiter: "That's pronounced Quiche" Lady: "Oh well then, I'll just have the salad"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Two indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a KORMA, the other's got a dodgy TIKKA⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠What's the difference between a prostitute and a cockerel? The cockerel goes "Cocka doodle doo" and the prostitute goes "Any cock'll do"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please? Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Father: I think our son gets all his brains from me... Mother: Probably - Cos I still have all mine⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ .


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A polar bear walks in to a bar and says to the barman. "I'll have a Gin and.................................................................... tonic." "Why the big pause?" asks the barman. The Polar bear looks down at this hands and says "What do you mean, I've always had them


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. "Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you. 'Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?' ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠John says to his best mate, Bob, that his sex life's got really boring and he'd like to change spouses for the day. They agreed, and that night in bed, John turns to Bob and says "I wonder how our wives are getting on" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ 2007 year of the cow, we got mad cow disease. 08 year of the bird, we got avian flue. 09 year of the pig, swine flue. 20I0 year of the cock. ANYONE WORRIED?? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Just answered the door to a 9ft beetle who slapped me around the face, then told me to piss off!! Apparently there's a nasty bug going around!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A mate of mine told me he's been sleeping with twins, I said "How can u tell the difference?" He said "No problem, her brothers' got a moustache"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A Woman's helping her hubby set up his computer, and for 4 a passwoard, he types PENIS. Wife falls off chair laughing when the pc replied "password rejected, NOT LONG ENOUGH!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Did u know that DAMMIT I'M MAD spelt backwards is DAMMIT I'M MAD - strange but true!!!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠As a dentist prepared to extract a tooth from a lady patient, she suddenly grabbed him by the balls and said ominously: "Now, we're not going to hurt each other, ARE WE? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠In 1986,
The Queen pulled down her knicks,
She kissed her bum and told her mum,
"It tastes like Weetabix." ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ I wish I was a caterpillar,
Life would be a farce,
I'd climb up all the little trees,
And slide down on my arse⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶If the ocean were vodka and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's not vodka, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and lets get p*ssed up!٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶Just try saying IRISH WRISTWATCH out loud to yourself - its near impossible!!!٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶Spider spider on the wall, have u got no sense at all, didn't you know the walls were plastered, now you're stuck you stupid ba..... nana!!! ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶My dog's a nuisance, he's forever chasing people on a bicycle. And I know what ur thinking "So take away his bike" ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring only one thing, what would it be? For those of you who didn't say a boat, enjoy ur island. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ Jill said 'I had this awful nightmare. You ex was being devoured by this foul-looking monster.' I said 'Go on, what happened.' Jill said 'Well, I can't get it out of my head really. The ugly face, the foul fangs, the slimy dribble, the bloodshot eyes...." So I said "yes, but what did the monster look like?' ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling
like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane
who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, I will, iron this!"٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶My uncle told me a joke about a block of flats!! There were a couple of really good stories٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶.


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says "Why dont u get Mick to help?" Paddy says "Oh, he's helping alright, he's inside carrying the clothes"٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ Bloke having a drink at the bar when the man next to him whispers, 'Do you want to buy any pirate DVD's?" and the bloke pipes up "No, sorry mate, I only watch comedies"٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing at the bar. The man says 'I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?" Vincent replies, 'No thanks I've got one ear.'٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ Did you hear about the very intelligent monster? He was called Frank Einstein.٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶If you have a headache, follow this advice on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ Although it is said that faith can move mountains, experience has shown that dynamite works much better. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


(✿◠‿◠) I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.(unless I buy something) (✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) Donald duck on a dirty weekend at a hotel, calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist says "Shall I put them on your bill?" "Don't be thucking thupid I'd thuffocate"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶A man was sitting on a bus chewing gum and staring vacantly into space. Suddenly the old woman sitting opposite him said, "It's no good you talking to me young man, I'm stone deaf." ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.Ist guy says "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."2nd guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."They then asked the woman, "What are you?"She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶A blonde texts her best friend saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means. She replied back saying "I don't know" The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!" ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾) Guy: "Do you know the difference between a p*nis and a banana?" Woman: "No." Guy: "No?? Well, do you fancy going for a picnic then?" ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶A man was drowning his sorrows in a bar with a mate. "I had it all" he moaned "money, beautiful house, fast car and the love of a beautiful woman." Then suddenly it was all gone. "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out" ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶


٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶

(✿◠‿◠)DON'T .•*¨`*• WORRY .•*¨`*• BE .•*¨`*• A .•*¨`*• PEA(✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠)The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again…Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Got to work tonight at the museum moving suits of armour around for a new display. Not looking forward to it. Knight shift sucks. (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Drinking tea is for mugs(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Alcohol: helping ugly people have sex since 1862!! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


(✿◠‿◠) I always wanted to be a procrastinator, I just never got around to it! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


(✿◠‿◠) Whoever says "words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary!٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


(✿◠‿◠) You're living too fast if when you approach an automatic door you bump your nose on it because it didn't have time to move out of your way!٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) MAN TALK: "If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us and force us to lie for reasons of self protection"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶


٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high!

(✿◠‿◠) They say good people are found in every corner of the world: Unfortunately, the world is round(✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ The bride said she wanted three children, while the husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted: "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own" ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(✿◠‿◠) Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Guy comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub with his mates! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body? He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠I borrowed my neighbours' lawnmower and as I took it I reassured him that I would treat it as if it were my own .... It's been in my shed for 3 years now!!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Hear the one about the atheist fish? He didn't believe in cod!

(✿◠‿◠)It is better to have loved short men than not a tall(✿◠‿◠)
(✿◠‿◠)Well to be frank, I'd have to change my name AND change my sex!!! (✿◠‿◠)

☆•¨¯`• HEY YOU!! Yes you, isn't it past your bedtime? NO! Well it is mine, so I'm outta here! CHEERIO peeps, sweet wunz! •.¸¸.

The major cause of car accidents is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel. (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Stephen Hawking has written a new book -- It's about time⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠A mate of mine told me he's been sleeping with twins, I said "How can u tell the difference?" He said "No problem, her brothers' got a moustache"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

(͡๏̯͡๏)۶Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says "Why dont u get Mick to help?" Paddy says "Oh, he's helping alright, he's inside carrying the clothes"٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠As a dentist prepared to extract a tooth from a lady patient, she suddenly grabbed him by the balls and said ominously: "Now, we're not going to hurt each other, ARE WE? ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ A little bloke walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. The little man said "I just did that" So the biker thumped him!!

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠"Ad. in my local newspaper read ‘Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather’. Shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and not once has she come round to see if I’m all right. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!"٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠) After bumping into a talking tin man, a talking lion, and a talking scarecrow, Dorothy finally had to accept that her drug problem had gotten out of hand and so clicked her ruby slippers 3 times saying "there's no place like rehab, there's no place like rehab" ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

★(✿◠‿◠)Paddy's in a disco and asks a girl "Fancy coming back to my place for a bit of nookie" She says "But I'm on my menstrual cycle" "Great" says Paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow u home! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I think I'll have another glass of sherry!!! It helps to increase my ability to "NOT GIVE A FYING FLUCK!!" ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

(✿◠‿◠) I put "IDIOT" into my satnav for a laugh to see what happened, and guess what? Put the kettle on, I'm outside yours!! (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. COINCIDENCE??

(✿◠‿◠) Doctor: "We need to get these people to hospital" Nurse: "What is it?" Doctor: "It's a big building with lots of doctors, but that's not important right now" (✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike, and prayed for forgiveness!!

(✿◠‿◠)Don't be upset if people preferred another one over you.. ..its hard to convince the monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas!!!

(✿◠‿◠) WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Yo Mamma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's
(✿◠‿◠) Hippie says: "What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park your car in it man!!" ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶



(✿◠‿◠) Bloke comes home from work early to find his wife at it with another bloke. He demanded to know "What on earth are you doing?" The wife turned to the other bloke and said "See, I told you he was dumb! " (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Women shouldn't have children after 35. I mean really... 35 children is enough 4 anybody ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

(✿◠‿◠)I'd rather have a blind date than a deaf apricot (✿◠‿◠)　

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠* If ur SLEEPY and u know it close ur eyes * If ur sleepy and u know it close ur eyes * If ur sleepy and u know it and u really want to show it, if ur sleepy and u know it, GO TO BED!!!!! Nite all, sweet wunzzz *

(-̮̮̃-̃)۶My uncle told me a joke about a block of flats!! There were a couple of really good stories٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶.

☆☆*´¯`*☆ I'm NOT short, I'm F*U*N SIZED!!!☆*´¯`*☆


(✿◠‿◠) Am I ambivalent? . . . . Well, yes and no!!٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶



٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶ ♪♪♫ When you're swimming in the creek ♪♪♫ and an eel bites your cheek ♪♪♫ that's a moray! ♪♪♫ ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾•̃̾)۶


Mick asks Paddy to check if the indicators are working on the car they're in, so Mick gets out and says "yes, no yes no yes no"


★*☾**★*☾*"Never walk near the bed * To a GHOST your ankle is your most vulnerable part * Once in bed, you're safe * He may lie around under the bed all night * But you're safe as daylight. If you still have doubts pull the blanket over your head."*★*☾*☆

(✿◠_◠)Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button! (✿◠_◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Just been panicking, I thought I was having a midlife crisis ,but thank god I remembered I'm much to young ..... aren't I ?? haha (✿◠‿◠)

(❉◠‿◠)The reason women don't play FOOTBALL is because eleven of them would never, ever wear the same outfit in public!! (❉◠‿◠)(✿◠_◠)Apparently I've still got it, only trouble is I cant remember where I put "it"!(✿◠_◠)

•*¨❉¨*• SHERRY or not sherry, that is the question!! •*¨❉¨*•

•¨¯`•*.¸.*•¨¯`•LEFT•*´`*• TO•*´`*• MY •*´`*• OWN •*´`*• DEVICES •*´`*• I •*´`*• PROBABLY WOULD •.¸¸.• ★•¨¯`• ★


★•¨¯`• ★ I'm yawning, I'm yawning, Facebooks gotten boring, so I'm off to bed, to rest my head and I'll cyall in the morning!! Nite all, sweet and sexy dreamzz to u all!! •¨¯`•★


☆•¨¯`•* If ur SLEEPY and u know it close ur eyes * If ur sleepy and u know it close ur eyes * If ur sleepy and u know it and u really want to show it, if ur sleepy and u know it, GO TO BED!!!!! Nite all, sweet wunzzz *•¨¯`•*☆

٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶WANTED: Model willing to pose for nude artist!٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶
☆•¨¯`•*.¸.*I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!..¸¸.♥ •.¸¸.☆
•¨¯`•*.¸.*You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough..¸¸.♥ •.¸¸.☆

☆*.¸.**.¸.*´`*.¸.*´•.¸¸.♥•.¸¸.♥☆•¨¯`•*.¸.*•¨¯`• DREAMS*.¸.*ARE ♥ *•*THE .*´`*. SEEDLINGS ♥•.¸¸.♥ OF•¨¯`•REALITY•¨¯`•.¸¸.♥•.¸¸.☆

★•¨¯`•★SNIZZERLICIOUSLY LOOPY★•¨¯`• ★

✿¨¯``❤ Happy birthday to you ✯¨¯❀Happy birthday to you ✿¨¯``❤ Happy birthday dear …….. ✯¨¯❀ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

★Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries!★

(✿◠‿◠)You just called me a BITCH. Well, bitches are dogs, dogs bark, bark is from trees, trees are from nature and nature is BEAUTIFUL, so I'll take that as a compliment!(✿◠‿◠)

☆•¨¯`☆ It's raining, it's pouring, I'm knackered now I'm yawning, so I'm off to bed to rest my head and I''ll cyall in the morning!! Nitey nite peeps!! *.¸.*☆
☆•¨¯`•* Roses are blue, violets are red, my head's gone all squiffy, so I'm off to bed!!!!! Nite all, sweet wunz!! ¨¯`•.¸¸.♥•.¸¸.☆

(★◠‿◠)•*☆¨*I'm not a violent person, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to hit the sack right now, NITE ALL, dont forget to lock up and turn the lights out!! Zzzzzzz (★◠‿◠)★¨*• ☆
☾*"Never walk near the bed * To a GHOST your ankle is your most vulnerable part * Once in bed, you're safe * He may lie around under the bed all night * But you're safe as daylight * If you still have doubts pull the blanket over your head ~ NITE ALL Z z z "*★*☾*

(✿◠‿◠)Mary had a little lamb,
She thought him very silly,
She threw him up into the air,
And caught him by his,
Willy was a sheepdog lying in the grass,
Down came a bumblebee and stang him on the,
Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policeman doing up his,
Flies are a problem, wasps are worse,
That is the end of my silly little verse.(✿◠‿◠)



(✯◠‿◠) MY CATS MOTTO: "Whatever you've done, always act superior and make it look as if the dog did it"(✯◠‿◠)

‎(✿◠‿◠) I'm NOT getting old, I'm increasing in value (✿◠‿◠)

★•¨¯'•★ Rocking and a Rolling ★ Ducking and a Diving ★ Wheeling and a Dealing ★•¨¯'•★


❤•*¨★♪♪♫When I die and they lay me to rest Gonna go to the place that's the best When I lay me down to die Goin up to the spirit in the sky ♪♪♫❤•*¨★

‎(✿◠‿◠) I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you ... apparently the more you have the longer you live.(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah-Monty Python(✿◠‿◠)


(✿◠‿◠) Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but underneath these clothes I'm NAKED(✿◠‿◠)


♫ .¸★¸.•♫ Who lives in a house like this?
In number 18 there lives a big butch queen
He's bigger than Tyson and he's twice as mean
In 666 there lives a Mister Miller
He's our local vicar and a serial killer
Ohhhh if you find the time please come and stay a while
In my beautiful Neighbourhood ♫ .¸★¸.•♫

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠SMILE like a monkey with a new banana!!!! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶
(★◠‿◠)My mate was panicking when he swallowed an abacus - I said "Don't worry - it's what's inside that counts".(★◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)Anyway ...... I heard someone knocking, so I went to open the door in my pyjamas - I know, it's a funny place for a door!!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) Woman walks into the bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one!! (✿◠‿◠)

✿◠‿◠)Rock-a-bye baby on a tree top,
when the wind blows,
the cradle will rock.
I was that baby and what bothers me,
is why Mum and Dad shoved me up a tree!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠) An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for the contraceptive pill, saying they help her sleep. "why would they help u sleep any better than normal?" asked the doc, puzzled. "Cos I put them in my grandaughters coffee" she sniggered!! (✿◠‿◠)

(★◠‿◠)Don't complain of being stung by the thorn of the rose. Nobody wants to hear about your little prick!! (★◠‿◠)

.(★◠‿◠) I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought "He's trying a pull a fast one!"٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(✿◠‿◠)There's a fine line between cuddling someone and holding someone down so they can't get away!!٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶　　

(✿◠‿◠)"I like big butts and I can not lie." - Said the homeless guy sifting through an ashtray.(✿◠‿◠)

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Paddy and Murphy walking across a field, Murphy says "Look at that forest over there". Paddy says "I can't see anything, the trees are in the way"⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

A vegan, priest, and rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan blabs on and on for an hour about being a vegan. The end.

(◣‿◢)A man goes into a Waterstones bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man said, "That's the one! I'll take a copy."(◣‿◢)



☆•¨¯`• ★ (✿◠‿◠) If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.When you're feeling in the dumps,Don't be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing! ..... AND ... "Always look on the bright side of life" do do, do do, dodododododo•¨¯`• ★ (✿◠‿◠)

You're so vain, I bet you think this status is about you!!!


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Woman has baby "I think I'll name her Anne". Doctor: "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken. May I suggest Anne32 or Anne_77 ?⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ So .... I was cooking dinner tonight when I got some herbs in my eyes .... now I'm parsley sighted ... boom boom ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Roses are blue. My name is not Dave. This poem makes no sense. I'm a Microwave ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

(◠O◠)(◠O◠)Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?? (◠O◠)(◠O◠)

★*´¯`*★ It's not the size of your wand that matters, but the M*A*G*I*C* in the stick that counts *´¯`*★*´¯`*★



⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ Bob told me his wife rang him screaming "You've given me crabs you b*stard, how could you?" He said "Hang on there a minute, before you blame me, have a word with that sister of yours!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠Had a MAJOR embarrassing mix-up at the supermarket today. Apparently, when the checkout woman said "strip down facing me" she was referring to my debit card. ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


(✿◠‿◠)I keep having this dream that I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts? (✿◠‿◠)

(★◠‿◠)Just to clarify matters "Yes I WAS dropped on my head as a baby" (★◠‿◠)

(©¿©)I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the Gateau. (©¿©)


(✿◠‿◠) I wish I was a caterpillar,
Life would be a farce,
I'd climb up all the little trees,
And slide down on my arse.(✿◠‿◠)

ACHOOOOO!!!" *sneezes*٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶........If you're allergic to bullshit, drama, games, liars, & fake people keep this sneeze going.... ♥


>>>>>>BACK TO THE FUTURE >>>>>>>>

☆*´¯`★¨ NOODGIGHT BACEFOOKERS: Ue to Dan obvious echnical terror this wall is clow nosed for 8 hours due to mite saintenance: Dweet Sreamzz ○*´¯`★

★*´¯`☆ Last one on Bacefook dont forget to: lock up * lights out * cats in. Nite nite peeps zzzz ★*´¯`☆


✲¨*•☆* I * wanna * BE * a * Hippie* ｡◕‿◕｡ and * I * wanna * get ｡◕‿◕｡ stoned ✲¨*•☆*

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you!⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠


♪¨*•☆♫You take the grey skies out of my wayYou make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day♪¨*•☆♫

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠How much fudd could a fudd pucker puck if a fudd pucker could puck fudd? Try saying this I0 times FAST!! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

★*´¯`☆(♥◠‿◠)Little Miss Muffet sat on a buffet, messing about on Facebook, but it got really late, and her bed wouldnt wait, so to Facebook she had to say "stuff it"!! NITEY NITE PEEPS, sweet dreamzz! (♥◠‿◠)★*´¯`☆

(✿◠_◠)Smiling is infectious * You can catch it like the flu * Someone smiled at me today * And I started smiling too!(✿◠_◠)


•¨¯`•.¸¸.♥CINDERELLA ✯Is living proof that ✯SHOES ✯Can change your LIFE•¨¯`•.¸¸.♥

(✿◠‿◠)If the ocean were vodka and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's not vodka, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and lets get f**ked up!(✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.(✿◠‿◠)


(❉◠‿◠) FACEBOOK: Allowing grown women to act like schoolgirls since 2004!!!! (❉◠‿◠)

I don’t get even . . . . . I get odder

(✿◠‿◠) Some people think I’m bonkers,
But I just think I’m free,
Man I’m just living my life,
There's nothing crazy about me(✿◠‿◠)

(✯◠‿◠) YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!!!! Explains why I'm a bit nutty, and always full of beans, lol !!!!(✯◠‿◠)
(❉◠‿◠) A girl may kiss a friend goodbye, a bird may kiss a butterfly, the morning dew may kiss the grass, but you my friend can KISS MY ASS!! (❉◠‿◠)
Wrap me in clingfilm and slap me with a cucumber!!!!!! ｡◕‿◕｡

★•¨¯`• ★ I'm yawning, I'm yawning, Facebooks gotten boring, so I'm off to bed, to rest my head and I'll cyall in the morning!! Nite all, sweet and sexy dreamzz to u all!! •¨¯`• ★

⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠3 idiots escaped from the mental hosptal. The first was seen eating a cookie. The second was seen drinking coke ad the third was een reading this message⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is mepty, and so is your head

★•¨¯`•★(✿◠‿◠)I'm really, really tired now, my bed is calling me, but why dont you just jump on in, and join me virtually!! Nite PEEPS (✿◠‿◠)★•¨¯`•★

☆•¨¯`☆ It's raining, it's pouring, I'm knackered now I'm yawning, so I'm off to bed to rest my head and I''ll cyall in the morning!! Nitey nite peeps!! *.¸.*☆

(❉◠‿◠) As I was walking up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, I wish, I wish he'd go away !!(❉◠‿◠)

☆*´¯`* ★Always gotta keep busy or the voices start telling me to do wild things!

(✿◠‿◠)★☆•¨¯`• ☆(✿◠‿◠)"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss (✿◠‿◠)

*¨★¨*•Sun is gone * Moon is out * This can only mean one thing * It's time to say nite nite peeps *So Cya in the morning! Zzzzzzz*¨★¨*•

☆•¨¯`•*.¸.* Don't let your DINGLE, dangle in the dirt * Put it in your pocket, where it won't get hurt * If you have no pocket, put it in your shirt * But never let your DINGLE , dangle in the dirt!!!! •.¸¸.♥•.¸¸.☆

❀You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss❀

★•¨¯`• ★ I'm yawning, I'm yawning, Facebooks gotten boring, so I'm off to bed, to rest my head and I'll cyall in the morning!! Nite all, sweet and sexy dreamzz to u all!! •¨¯`•★


I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, I only went out for a bag of chips, but I got shot in the dangly bits

(✿◠‿◠) HOW to LOOK good *N*A*K*E*D!!! (✿◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me! (✿◠‿◠)

(❉◠‿◠)Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny!!!!(❉◠‿◠)

(✿◠‿◠)On a bad day, I have mood "swings" - but on a good day, I have the whole "playground” (✿◠‿◠)

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